ep3o

I wish there was a hard news station where the anchors were the cast of The Hills

you’re a tall thing of water

Back when I was a kid our dads couldn’t get all these colorful tattoos it was just one color

Some cats are just for looking at.

One day we'll tell our grandchildren that we'd click a box to confirm we're not robots, but then we'd get asked to click a bunch of traffic signs anyway.

You know that time you spend theorizing about WandaVison, you don't get that back, right?

It’s not even that I don’t like exfoliating face wash. It’s just that if they’re there, I feel like I owe it to the scrubbers to put in a little more effort. And who’s got the time?

Know how David Spade is always making that face like someone did something bad?

Putting together a quarantine journal actually more or a list of bulk snack foods I finished by myself

Wondering if all those “travel junkies” have taken to something harder these days.

Diabetics think they can just eat whenever the fuck they want.

Waiting for someone to put a new spin on an old classic - THE TACO!

What if Scorsese made all of this mob shit up?

Too busy deciding which of The Connors to be never made it out for trick or treat

Remember when people used to say, “I’m out like a fat kid in a game of dodgeball?” Those were hurtful times.

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Would you switch dentists if their practice still had Christmas lights up?

It's that time of the year when we reflect on important topics, ask ourselves important questions. Sit down and think about this: did you see Jurassic World? Not the new one. The one from 2015. Did you see it? Maybe. Chris Pratt sweat in the jungle and you forgot all about him.

Do people with tattoos still like Smashing Pumpkins?

Fox cancels Last Man on Earth, reboots Last Man Standing. This is how the Handmaid’s Tale starts.