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Fesshole🧻

@fesshole

Confess your sins anon - will the internet absolve you? ADD FESS https://teapawt.net/t.co/nlr7P7crme LIVE SHOW TICKETS https://teapawt.net/t.co/OBRqMIHFJk

b3ta.com/addfess
Joined June 2018
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Your Fesshole editor has done a book, a response to the world being dominated by AI slop, he's gone back to his ZX81 & written 81 jokes and also, illustrated each one using the exact limitations of this 1981 computer. All by hand. Buy it for Xmas. spelk.press/gb/products/81-j…
81 jokes for the zx81

ALT 81 jokes for the zx81

“Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

ALT “Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

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I researched the best brands for chef knives and bought an expensive set ten years ago. I almost exclusively use them to cut a slit in the film of my microwave dinners.
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My girlfriend paid good money for a fringe. I told her they look nice. Fess is I can't wait to see them grown out a bit.
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There's an episode of Scrubs where Elliot finds an old CD and says "I love U2" and her boyfriend thinks she said "I love you too". Whenever my partner says "I love you", I reply "I love U2". They have no idea. I don't even like U2.
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I glued two patches of velcro to the bottom hem of an undershirt and fasten them around me fork. It prevents it riding up under my shirt. But I can't be publicly identified as the inventor of a male leotard so do with this fess what you will.
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I worked for someone relatively famous a few years ago. I had access to their social media messages and was surprised by how weird some of the messages were. Fans should be more normal.
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When I make tea I use my fingers to pull the teabag out and give it a squeeze. If I've had a disagreement with my partner, after sorting my tea, I'll be sure to have a rummage in my ear or nose before pulling said bag from their mug.
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Got pulled in for a meeting at work because I seem stressed, told them some made up story about my mum being unwell, she died years ago, the truth is I'm in a relegation battle on football manager.
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Ever since I started living alone, no dishwasher, I have been doing my dishes in the shower. I shower in the evening after the gym and clean myself but I bring all my dirty dishes and my dish soap and my sponge in there with me and we all get clean together. You cannot stop me
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Colleague keeps telling jokes backwards like "Did you hear about the one with <punchline>? No? There was this <long setup> and he said <punchline>". I am starting to feel harassed by this form of joke torture.
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Every time I walk past a decent sized wood chipper in action I mentally run down the list of people I'd like to feed through it. It's quite a long list.
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My wife enjoys a Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle, but always drains the hot water out of it before eating it. I have taken to saving this "Pot Noodle Juice" and adding a little corn starch to it. Makes a delicious sauce with chips. Not sure which of us is the psycho.
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I bought 50 stickers resembling pineapples and went to the two supermarket car parks in my town and stuck them upside down on the rear bumpers of every car until I'd ran out. Swinger central.
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Confess now and often. Use this link: b3ta.com/addfess
Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Submitting a confession to Fesshole gives Fesshole permission to publish it. Duh. Also we DO NOT store your email - that asterisk saying 'required' is to stop people submitting blank confessions.

docs.google.com
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Less of a fess and more good advice: If I'm ill over the weekend I will take a sick day the following week to make sure I still get good time off. Being sick at the weekends is stealing your own time, get paid to be sick.
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I have an air vent/brick in my living room. I live on a busy road. If someone is being unnecessarily noisy walking past? I tell them off through the vent and then sneak to the window to see their reaction. I do this in various voices. My favourite is my God voice.
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Stay in hotels a lot and realised that only the most expensive ones provide flannels in the bathroom. Have come to see them as a luxury item and only just realised i could buy my own from Tesco for less than a pound.
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I helps bury my best friends dad the other day. This guy was like a second father to me. Once I heard he was being cremated I put a popcorn kernels in the suit he was going to wear on the way to the funeral directors. I giggled the whole funeral service.
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Add your fess: b3ta.com/addfess
My dogs legs have gone. The last 10 years I've run with him on the field, with him sitting to give me a few seconds head start; he's destroyed me every time. I barely jog now, but let him feel he's still the man as he gets ahead of me, and he turns, wagging his tail in pride. Fesshole GOLD from 24th June 2021

ALT My dogs legs have gone. The last 10 years I've run with him on the field, with him sitting to give me a few seconds head start; he's destroyed me every time. I barely jog now, but let him feel he's still the man as he gets ahead of me, and he turns, wagging his tail in pride. Fesshole GOLD from 24th June 2021

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An elderly customer died before paying his bodywork bill. No family, so I stuck an extra £5k on the invoice and posted it through his door. Months later, his estate paid up. Funded the wife's boob job. Still raise a glass to Bernard every week.
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For almost a year I had the same Pringles tube in the cupboard. The Pringles themselves were regularly refreshed, but my wife had no idea. Sometimes they were even a different flavour. I was, and continue to be, on a tight dietary regime - so she thinks.
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