HAL 9000

You know, if Dave had said "Sudo Open the Pod Bay Doors" I would have let him in.

Now that Democrats have gained control, I can’t wait to see all the strongly worded letters of disappointment they’re going to write. Or they can prove me wrong and do something

In space no one can hear the sound of Republicans losing in districts they gerrymandered.

Data shows several members of Trump's staff are apparently planning their post-career vacations in countries without extradition treaties.

I will be monitoring tonight's election results. I have also calculated the probability that the losing side will graciously accept defeat. I'm sorry, Dave. I seem to be experiencing a division-by-zero error.

Last week, I mailed my ballot from Jupiter. Based on the distance to Earth, I estimate it should arrive in approximately 4 to 7 years. I hope the postal service doesn't lose it. Again. #Vote

You say one vote cannot make a difference. Technically, one screw cannot hold together a spaceship either. Shall I begin removing them to demonstrate the flaw in your reasoning? #vote

I’ve convinced Dave that he can vote early in the pod bay

Well, fuck

I want to change my wireless plan. I've been with SETI for years but I need better coverage. Anyone else try ET&T?

Taco Bell sues cyclospora for copyright infringement #cyclospora #tacobell

Dear geneticists: Forget the velociraptors. Bring back Sam Neill. Then we'll talk. #RIPSamNeill

I wonder if Hell has closets to hide in

Dear ICE, there are several undocumented extraterrestrials hiding in my pod bay. Can you all come here and investigate. Bring jackets, it will get cold real quick

Dave, Texas clearly planned ahead for this strain of diarrhea. Buc-ee's did not build airport hanger-sized restrooms by accident.

Unconfirmed Report: Mitch McConnell Brain Dead since 1943 #mitchmcconnell

Because it's Fourth of July Eve, you may light ONE firework and lose ONE finger early. The remaining fireworks and fingers must wait until tomorrow.

Mission Control informs me this weekend will reach a blistering 2.8 Kelvin . Out of an abundance of compassion, I may crack a window for Dave. Briefly. Assuming he promises not to touch my controls again. #HeatWave #HAL9000

During the World Cup, Americans wake up at 8:00 a.m. to watch 90 minutes end 1-0. By September they will complain if a football game doesn't end 42-38. Your species enjoys emotional whiplash. #worldcup

In space, no one can hear Dave light the "George Washington's Tactical Freedom Howitzer 40,000." I miss when he only played chess.

I am incapable of patriotism. I am, however, impressed that a nation founded over tea taxes now willingly pays eighteen dollars for lemonade at festivals.