author of 10 NYT best-selling books, most of which people put another cover on when reading in public. *Note: Reducing device time, so DMs not checked here*
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Joined April 2007
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The more freedom you give your partner, the more room they have to choose you
The more demands you make of your partner, the more reasons they have to resent you
You become what you resist.
--Leonard Cohen, from: neilstrauss.com/the-loop/leo…
One of the best ways to sabotage a relationship is to be competitive with your partner's past.
That was then. Today, they chose you.
But nothing makes someone question that choice quite like having to defend it every day to the person they love.
It may sound nice to say: "I want to make my partner happy."
And it may sound reasonable to say, "My partner needs to make me feel safe."
But beware of the words "make my partner feel" or "make me feel."
While you are responsible for your actions and your partner is responsible for theirs, neither is responsible for the internal state of the other.
So instead of saying, "I want to make my partner happy," try, "I want to do nice things for my partner." How they feel about it is up to them.
Instead of saying, "My partner needs to make me feel safe," say, "I need honesty and consistency in a relationship." You may still feel unsafe if they're being completely honest, just as you may feel perfectly safe while they're being dishonest.
What responsibility are you holding that you don’t need to?
Hint: It probably belongs to someone else who has gotten used to you carrying it
Take opportunities for connecting humor instead of disconnecting insecurity In your relationships.
The lighter your thoughts, the lighter your relationship will be
The more loving your thoughts, the more loving your relationship will be
It starts with you
You don’t treat people how you want to be treated. You treat them how they want to be treated.
—Original source unknown, attributed to Al Davis
Inner Success > Outer Success
Inner Strength > Outer Strength
Inner Beauty > Outer Beauty
Achieving the outer without the inner is a recipe for deep unhappiness, overcompensation, and loneliness. So is needing the outer to achieve the inner.
If your partner wants you to change something that you don't feel is a problem that needs changing, agreeing to do so will not help the relationship. What you'll create instead for yourself is not peace but resentment.
That said, take the time to listen to your partner's point of view without defending yourself or making them wrong.
If you listen to understand, you may find that you actually agree and want to make the effort to change.
Or you may find that you still disagree, but still you've given your partner the gift of being heard and understood.
RIP Dolly Parton. Such a talent and just incredible human being. Even though she once threatened to kick my ass. 👇
Me: Thanks so much for taking the time to talk.
Dolly Parton: Thank you for taking time to talk to me because I'm the one that's asking for the favor. So I hope it turns out good. If not, well I'll kick your ass when I see you. Maybe I'll see you the next time I'm in New York. I'm up there a lot.
Me: That would be great.
Parton: If you ever see me in a restaurant or something, you come over and say, "Hey, remember me?"
Me: Will do. I hope you like the article. Don't beat me up.
Parton: Yeah, okay, but if I don't, I will beat you over the head like a little pup.
<from our New York Times interview>
Another beautiful thing Dolly Parton said during our interview that I'll always remember:
"I wake up with new dreams everyday. I never know today what I might do tomorrow, so I’m just always open and very spiritual, very creative and very open to whatever I feel is supposed to be done at the time, and then I act accordingly. Whatever thought comes to mind that I feel very passionate about."
So good: "I wake up with new dreams every day." What a wonderful way to live life!