Hey @TTCNewsroom I just reactivated my Twitter to let you know you're the POO officers and that's funny to everyone.

I have 103 followers. Suck it haters

PSA: If you're a restaurant that makes it's own ketchup just stop. Heinz figured out ketchup. No one wants to eat your experiment on their fries.

I just realized I've been keeping a diary for years and just calling it a joke book.

So far my favorite part of the world cup is watching people in the stands film the players on their phones. Lot of squished up face double chins out there. #FIFAWorldCup

Getting my tweets in just incase the whole thing folds.

POTUS? More like scrotus...

Twitter? I barely even know her! ... what's up? I'm back.

Who's your daddy, and Hoosier daddy should not be pronounced the same way. I hate this language.

If you spell the word bee or ivy out loud you will say the whole word before you finish spelling it. #TheMoreYouKnow

When ever someone is like "More money more problems!" I'm like "lemme help you solve some problems."

Charcuterie is just the french word for lunchables. Trust me I'm bilingual.

Today I learned that Triumph the Puppet Dog wrote Don't Mess With the Zohan.