Married Guy

Some personal news. My wife was just admitted to the hospital due to a severe penis allergy.

Do funeral homes use social media? Ummm.

If I had a band it would be called Sexless Marriage. No one comes to see us. Ha ha.

I like when a girl says her favorite movie is "Pretty Woman". A Disney-financed film about a prostitute. Let's do this.

My phone drains batteries as quickly as your wife's vibrator.

You try watching a girl strip to Mumford & Sons.

"Hey, wait, I've got a new complaint!" - - All wives' favorite Nirvana lyric

Sometimes it hits you that "job" is part of blowjob.

I'm so horny that the term "shaved ice" is getting me going.

Do gay men watch HILF porn?

I'm going to say it aloud: that half time show was worse than my sex life.

I sometimes think of committing some kind of crime, as prison at least comes with a built-in sex life.

"Purity ring... A special ring which promises you'll stay together and not have sex." "You mean a wedding ring?" - South Park

What do Elin Nordegren and your company's 401(k) have in common? $150 million and no sex drive.

My sexual fantasy...? Having actual sex with my wife.