Disability sucks but Cerebral Paul Z is an absolutely cracking rap name, so swings and roundabouts really.

"You can eat a dick up til you hiccup" is nothing short of Shakespearean. The minute he said I felt my vocabulary leveling up.

Yer da is currently more obsessed with who's got poppies than anyone in the heroin trade is.

What would Flea know about it?

Donald Trump is the third fattest President in history. 3rd out of 47. Not bad. Hark at these big American pies.

James Blunt is uniquely shit at this, bless 'im. #TheCelebrityTraitors

I'm relieved Ross is out. Not because I didn't like him, but because his stress and paranoia level were such that much longer in the castle and his before and after woulda looked like this. #TheCelebrityTraitors

Imagine the odds you woulda got at the start of the season on both sides of Manchester being relegated.

I can't believe some of the people who've accepted knighthoods y'know. It's such a riddy man, cutting about expecting people to call you Sir. If you wanna be a knight you should have to wear a ruff in the way folk have to wear an ankle tag. Just to remind em it's ridiculous.

"Last week a disaster in bread week..." What did they expect? They'd no business having an inbred week in the first place. #GBBO

Me debating Frederick Nietzsche. Nietzsche: You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. Me: Oh yeah? Well your moustache is dumb, so...whatcha think of that.

Normally a fan of his jumpers but this one's just a bit wanky.

Is this essentially how Ellen got on #GrahamNorton last night, aye?

Went to #MercuryRev last night at what was supposed to be the accessible QMU, but moved to the stairy-as-fuck Classic Grand. Told it used to a porno cinema. Goilng by the grunts, sweating and panting I was doing tracking them steps, you'd have sworn that was back in business.

Shame on The History Channel. Until they have similar "documentaries" coming out about The Great Fire of Birmingham, Leeds and Liverpool in 1666, they've just exposed their bias in the most blatant fashion.

More and more these days my decidedly hipper pals are messaging about bands I simply have no knowledge of. Where in teenage years there would've been embarrassment, excuses and lies; I now simply reply with this and get on with my day. Maybe I check em out later, maybe I don't.

Conspiracy theories ain't what they use to be. Then: Oswald killed Kennedy. In fact many parties had interest in his demise for myriad reasons, e.g... Now: Vaccines save lives. Also sending tanks to a country and bombing it to shit is aggression. Nuh-uh! Opposite. OpP0sItE!

.@courtneymelba at the Barras last night. Good for what ails ye.

#Reform in irredeemably racist sacks of shit shocker. #itvnews

In fairness to Metallica, it's hasn't been about much beyond lining their own pockets for decades now so there's a faintly depressing consistency there at least.