i don't want to keel over from a heart attack and have the first responders open up my phone and see my timeline and be like "oh, this guy followed a bunch of people on twitter who watched the oscars".

why would anyone livetweet their reactions to an awards show

you called me "reddit"... ( walking to mirror) you called me "reddit". (taking out razor) you called me reddit. (shaving head into mohawk) you called me... reddit? (putting razor down) you called me, reddit... (picking up shoulder-fired rocket launcher) you fucking called me redd

It's adorable how spitefully jealous longoids (men with penises over 3 inches in length) get when us normal men mention how pleasant it feels to try using a different finger for jerking off. I mean, sorry for your deformity bro, but you're not really engendering much sympathy! ✌️

wahhh i need a content warning. wahhhhhhh

abuhbuhbuhbuh. gaaadurrr

I'm 60 years old and fertile

If Pissman wore a onesie, it'd be more like a tensie.

tried to titfuck this one dude but one of his chest hairs garroted my cockhead off

quote tweet

People who performatively love hip-hop and people who performatively hate Elon Musk are both incredibly touchy.

My cousin and I drilled holes in our nutsacks and used to cum in each other's sackholes to see if we could make a manbaby.

every god damn time i go to the zoo at least one of the animals starts fucking me in the ass

"Nobody's forcing you to buy the woke versions", the 21st-century philistines snivelled.

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👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤 👏 NORMALIZE QUADRUPLE WHOPPERS 🤤

Thanks for saying my tummy and gonads are my good side. Also it'd be called that

If this happened to you it'd be a helicoptar. And that's not my good side btw