Bear-Eating-A-Walrus

Ok, fingers crossed. Tomorrow; I don’t wake up ❤️

Treat me like dirty dishes and leave me submerged in the sink for two days.

The main difference between adult “nihilists” and high school emo kids, is that no one makes fun of high schoolers for living with their parents.

I’m going to open a smoke shop and our slogan will be “we smoke the competition.” It’s super clever and original, and I think it’ll be a winner.

I never understood the middle finger in pictures thing. We get it, you know meth prices within 15 miles of you at all times. Now get off your phone, that copper won’t steal itself.

There’s a man dressed like a zookeeper that follows me around and sells treats to people to use to interact with me.

One time I broke up with someone by typing “here’s the thing, I” and then hitting predictive text until it was about a paragraph long.

I don’t even know what to do here anymore

Is anyone actually hitting the “send to phone” option on YouTube ads? Like “yeah man, I really wanted to watch this Michelob commercial again. These people really know how to have fun with an ultra light beer.”

I’m sorry you fell in love with me during my Power Wash Simulator phase.

Your mother had a lovely litter.

I’ve been in contact with coke more recently than I have powdered sugar and now that I’m doing some baking, those movie tropes make sense. I felt the addict part of myself light up and get excited when I started measuring out half cups.

We’re getting Tim Horton’s tomorrow. To start the day off. Apparently that’s how you do it in Canada. I look forward to partaking of Tim’s bits.

My dog just lost the best we had over who would poop first in Canada. My colon remains undefeated.

“Totes apropes” I say as I ingest a triple dose of Advil PM to avoid the waking nightmare that is existence. Totes. Apropes.

For someone who thinks therapists are a waste of money, my dad sure has made mine a bunch.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is from Florida, and Creedance Clearwater Revival is from California. Sweet home Alabama and born on the bayou, indeed.

No, I haven’t caught and imprisoned a skinwalker and a wendigo in the basement, and encouraged them to mate. Stop asking about these scratches. On an unrelated note, skindigo just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Everyone on Facebook is so angry. So is everyone here. Stop it, dammit.

Just because I’m using Duolingo to learn Russian, doesn’t mean I’m not also using it to “learn” English so I don’t feel so shit at learning new languages.