Carl Quotes

I can't believe we just went on a 60 second estate planning pun binge.

hide them away for a few months, then sell them at an inflated price. 2/2

If we ever have a daughter and she's in Girl Scouts, we should buy a bunch of her cookies...1/2

Sorry about the fridge entropy.

I love it when spice packaging suggests uses; it conveys such a sense of possibility!

L: We created life! We're like scientists! C: Or GODS. *3m later* I decided that thinking of myself as a God was idolatry, so I stopped.

XML? More like FML, am I right? *smirks and takes knowing sip from coffee mug*

... buy obscure Russian dubstep with Paypal again (submitted by @laveazette)

On Russia: I’m just hoping that if they wipe out ISIS, the sanctions against them will be lifted & I can...

It's amazing football is so popular in America since so much of it is looking @ decisions made in the past and reversing them with new info.

2/2 C: You're right. I was being organ essentialist.

1/2 C: I guess I just don't have as good a sense of smell as you. Check your nose privilege. L: Wouldn't it be sense of smell privilege?

*Watching Chopped with an annoying chef*: "That guy is like a humble-brag condensed into a human being."

I want to prank call Home Depot & say "my dog was BUGGING me so I sprayed him with BUG spray but he hasn't stopped. What do you recommend?"

I have "Nothing Compares 2 U" in my head because I was thinking about dairy.

Do you mind if I go for an individual exercise stroll?

Referring to cast iron skillets: "I'm no pan-licker, but I know a good tasting pan when I taste one."

So basically, if a bunch of white women start doing something at the same time, it's because of Pinterest.

I think the look I'm going for today is "politician doing manual labor for a photo op."

"The Waffle Truth" would be a good name for a conspiracy-themed breakfast restaurant