My bipartisan legislation to recognize the AR-15 shell as our national bullet just passed through some schoolkids & is now grazing the President’s ear to be signed into law!

So many...lost to the swampy depths, mostly from being thrown overboard

Me, in a few years, being interviewed by the local news: "I think it's really important to have clone conventions like this so I can finally be comfortable in a place where people look LIKE ME!!" **other Carl in background with a CarlFest sign yells "Amen brother!!"**

Still waiting for my neighbors to lower their Trump 2024 flags to half-staff. #TrumpIndicment

DID YOU KNOW that nearly ALL the people trying to get conspiracy nut Alex Jones back on Twitter have secret refrigerators in their basements FULL of frozen turds that they suck on for energy before raiding petting zoos to have sex with llamas??? PROVE ME WRONG!

I HOPE YOU DON'T GET SHOT America is the Land of the Free. But you might get shot. You can be anything that wanna be. But still you might get shot. From a gray-haired man to a tiny kid. Black or white, it makes no diff It's more a matter of When than If You might end up shot

The next time you're at #GopSexParties ask for someone to give you "A HANGING CHAD😲". You can thank me later😉

KnoBrain3r PRESS RELEASE: Yesterday I got emotional, smacked my dog🐕 & yelled at him "You keep my wife's burrito 🌯 out of your fu**ing mouth!" I regret the slap, it was inexcusable & wrong but it WAS a very good-tasting burrito & I understand the pressures of the job