Name this boy band...

PVR There were lots of stories going around when I was in about guys faking in training, trying to work their ticket pretending they were nuts, in order to get mentally discharged, so that they wouldn’t have to pay the PVR money. Apparently one guy pretended that he had an imaginary motor bike, which he rode around camp making motor bike noises. Every Friday afternoon he would wait for the barrier to be lifted, whilst making revving noises coming from his pretend engine so that he could ride home. In the end they were forced to get rid of him, he was medically discharged. As he went through the barrier for the last time, he turned to the provost Sergeant, threw his pretend bike to the floor and said, ‘Won't be needing that f**ker anymore.’ I can verify that one is true, I once saw him zoom past me on the A38. DISCHARGE PAPERWORK Another one is about the guy who kept picking up bits of paper and muttering to himself ‘that’s not it… that’s not it, nor that.’ He was told to see the MO, but he continued this behaviour for several weeks after. In the end they were forced to get rid of him. He handed in his kit and reported to battalion HQ, to fill out the relevant discharge paperwork. He grabbed it off the desk and said …'That’s f**king it!’ ENDEX 4 Book clivewardauthor.com UK kindle and paperback amazon.co.uk/dp/B09QJW7HM4/r…

Room jobs, area cleaning, buffing the accommodation floor with the bumper that weighed a ton for the first time, using that orange gunk floor polish. Blisters on top of blisters. Using Brasso on the radiator taps and doorknobs to make them shine. Wire Wool on the washroom taps. Then being taught how to burn your boots down to get rid of the pimples by heating a spoon over a candle. Followed by being shown how to bull them up, even our black PT shoes. And how to shrink that landing strip beret, hot water, cold water, hot water, cold water. Then putting it on the radiator to dry overnight, to wake up in the morning to find it’s still the same shape. Even though you convinced yourself it wasn’t. And then, there were those mind-boggling locker layouts, building bed blocks, and hospital corners, great fun. After they’d taught you how to do all that, the next stage was they ripped you to shreds. Your kit went out of the window, beds and lockers destroyed daily for the first few weeks for no reason, water bottles flying, your room ended up like an impact area. Show parades in full number two dress, presenting the item you’ve been pulled up on, which could be anything from your best boots to your whole locker layout, this meant moving your whole locker down to the guardroom for 2200 hours. If you didn’t pass inspection, you were back down there at 23.00 hours and every hour after until you passed. You had to always give 110%, or the whole squad suffered. Lots more in ENDEX 2 ‘uncut’ clivewardauthor.com UK Kindle also available in paperback amazon.co.uk/Endex-2-Uncut-C…

Memories Stand to Having instant mates wherever you went. That first cigarette after a five mile of death. Gammon steaks in the cookhouse with a pineapple ring fused on the top. Taking risks on my own without a bl**dy assessment first. That rifle with wood or plastic furniture. The sound of the Land Rover driving on Tarmac. Brunch in the cookhouse on a Sunday. Series 3 Land Rovers. Able to be fixed with a hammer and some black nasty. Lying on the louvres of a 432 on Hohne ranges or Soltau looking up at a star filled sky. Then waking up and breathing in the clean fresh air. Jager schnitzels. The Reeperbahn. My old mates who have passed away. I miss them most of all. Asbach and coke for next to nothing. Zipping up your doss bag after a long night of shenanigans in some far-flung place. Being aged 18-19 years old and living in Germany during the 70s and 80's. I don't think there was a better time or place to be at that age. Being able to drink for an entire weekend solid without being branded as having 'a problem'. Deciding which colour clipboard to use, to skive around camp with, making it look as though I was busy doing something. The ability to hold fantastic p*ss-ups and BBQs at short notice and early knock offs on the flimsiest of justifications. The tins of condensed milk included in the guard box to go in the tea. I miss the p*ss taking banter and a type of humour that doesn't take prisoners, even if I was often at the receiving end of it. I often missed the Figure 11 and Figure 12, due to my hands shaking after a night on the p*ss. Queuing up in the rain at the field kitchen for a Full Compo breakfast, bacon grill, compo sausage, fried bread and a black mug of sweet tea. One f**kin sausage. Drawing all my credits in £1 notes and feeling loaded on leave! Sounds of the lads laughing and whinging in equal amounts. The taste of the first brew of the day. Putting the last tick in my days to do chart on Op Banner. ENDEX 4 Book clivewardauthor.com UK kindle and paperback amazon.co.uk/dp/B09QJW7HM4/r…

PACE STICK… THE SHOUTY MAN. A pace stick is a long stick usually carried by officers and non-commissioned officers and drill instructors as an aid to military drill. I seem to remember lots of threats of violence involving said pace sticks vanishing up soldiers’ a***s and other places. Also, they are casually used as a harpoon or club… SGT – ‘There’s a prick at the end of this pace stick and it’s not my end. I’m going stick this pace stick up your a**e and flick you up to the guardroom!’ A lot more in… THE SHOUTY MAN By Clive Ward. (No AI used) Warning: Adult content and very dark humour. I warned you!! clivewardauthor.com Available on Kindle and Paperback. amazon.co.uk/dp/B0HLPRNBZV/r…

How can I not mention the toy version of the SLR L1A1 or FN FAL. They first came on the scene as a toy in the late 50s’, and they were still making them well into the 80s’ I know that because I bought one for my youngest son. ‘There you go son, Daddy has got one of these, now you’ve got one.’ He loved it. That’s until he asked me how to use it. Then he didn’t like it anymore. Week one. I didn’t waste any time. Yep, I soon had him running round the living room, ‘10 laps at the high port go… lock those arms back above the head! Don’t carry the rifle by the f**king carrying handle!’ I issued him with his little black plastic rounds, he’d earned them. Like me in the 60s’ he had a great time as a pad brat growing up with his realistic looking, toy gun, playing war games with friends causing chaos around the pads. My last words were, ‘If you don't look after it. I will replace it with an SA80.’ The FN FAL toy rifles were first made by AIRFIX as early as the late 50s’. It was a 76 cm replica and came with a plastic bayonet, magazine, sling, and ammo. AIRFIX also produced a realistic Tommy gun as well. These days can you imagine being let loose on the streets with these realistic toy weapons? We would keep the Police armed response units busy that’s for certain. The AIRFIX toy FN-FAL is a collectable nowadays. In good condition they go for more than £750. I can't believe it’s so collectable. You can buy a deactivated SLR cheaper than that. We all know that even the toy one was a far superior weapon than the SA80. More in BULLIES AND BULLSHIT 2 clivewardauthor.com Available on amazon kindle or paperback. amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bullshi…

Cold War Veteran 1945–1991 Enamel Pin Badge | BAOR NATO Military Veteran Lapel Pin militaryhumorstores.com/coll… Honour the generation that stood ready throughout the Cold War with this striking Cold War Veteran 1945–1991 Enamel Pin Badge. Featuring the flags of the United Kingdom, United States, Canada and the Soviet Union, this unique design represents one of the most significant periods in modern military history. Whether you served with the British Army of the Rhine (BAOR), RAF Germany, Royal Navy, NATO forces, or simply want to commemorate your service during the Cold War era, this premium enamel badge is the perfect addition to your collection. Wear it proudly on your jacket, blazer, cap, backpack or lanyard, or add it to your growing military memorabilia display. Designed by Veterans • Made by Veterans Designed by veterans who understand the history, pride and camaraderie of military service, this badge makes an excellent gift for veterans, serving personnel and military history enthusiasts.

I was wondering, does anyone of you old and bold have a pick helve tucked away somewhere in your house, just in case you might have to protect your family one night. A good pick helve was all we needed back in the day when on guard to protect us from Mister Adams’ special friends from Ireland. But just in case they didn’t scare them away and things got serious; we had our trusty SLR’s. Which weren’t much good either, with no ammo. Cover me, I’m just going to dash into the guard room from my firing position to grab some ammo. ‘What is it, Ward?’ ‘There’s some dodgy terrorists pointing their AK47’s at us Corps.’ The guard commander would ring the orderly Sergeant or orderly officer, if they answered their phone, so they could come down and issue the ten rounds of 7.62 from the secure locker. When they did arrive, they found out the duty copper had p*ssed off to the cookhouse with the prisoners with the cabinet keys in his pocket. By then it was all over, the terrorists had scarpered, our trusty pick helves had won the day. ENDEX 3 the book clivewardauthor.com Available on UK Kindle & Paperback. amazon.co.uk/Endex-3-Clive-W…

CRUEL Sgt – ‘Congratulations on your new bundle of joy, Smith. Did you ever find out who the father was?’ Sgt - ‘Your buddies and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, Jenkins, so we're having you put to sleep.’’ PASSING OFF PARADE SGT – ‘Is that your mother, Collins? She has an arse like a sandbag full of link.’ BLOCK JOBS The CSM is looking at a picture of a Jock's wife, ‘Aye some people will do anything to get out of the block jobs!’ THE SHOUTY MAN By Clive Ward. (No AI used) Warning: Adult content and very dark humour. I warned you!! clivewardauthor.com Available on Kindle and Paperback. amazon.co.uk/dp/B0HLPRNBZV/r…

ASSAULT COURSE It is all starting to make sense now, DMS, tin-p*ssers, SLR's, 58 pattern, plenty of beasting, bullying and rifle butts and wearing respirators back then. I can still hear those sweet cries of encouragement coming from those wonderful PTI’s now. I don’t think the basic layout of the assault course (outdoor obstacle course) has changed much since I was in, it’s always been very much standardised. Apart from the Para’s and booties courses, which were a lot harder. The assault course was more popular during the seventies than it is now, plus they wear trainers now, not boots! What’s that all about?! Today, its prime use is to evaluate the progress and weaknesses within the team involved. In the seventies, it was to beast, grill and t**ture. The twisted PTI’s favourite toy. Assault courses are used to increase fitness and to demonstrate techniques that can be used for crossing very rough terrain. Ok, I get that. I can see why there was a good reason for all the different types of obstacles. I remember many times, trying to get back into camp, sh*t-faced, attempting to bypass the guardroom by negotiating the six-foot, perimeter, barbed wired wall... at the same time eating my kebab compass. It is all starting to make sense now. The memories are flooding back… BULLIES AND BULLSHIT clivewardauthor.com UK kindle also available in paperback amazon.co.uk/dp/B08QBQFPKL/r…

CARRY ON WALTING As the time of year approaches, maximum Walt activity begins. Many veterans will gather in the towns and cities across the land to attend the remembrance parades. It can be a long day as the veterans stand there for hours, sometimes in the pouring rain, to honour the fallen and rightly so. What else is there to do but do a little Walt spotting? Here are a few tips that might help you get through the day. Call of Duty You must complete at least two Call of duty games. It will be tough, and it will mean some late nights, but stick with it. Never three it could cause you to suffer with PTSD. Training Aids No need for military training, but I would advise you to watch the following films and try and pick up a few tips. It will give you that feeling you’ve been there and done it. The Guns of Navarone, Kelly's Heroes, A Bridge too Far, The Longest Day, Apocalypse Now, The Matrix, Blazing Saddles, The Desert Song, Finding Nemo and Mary Poppins. Tattoo’s An SAS tattoo is not a good idea. For one, members of the Special Forces wouldn’t go around advertising it and two, if you are a Walt and have already got a Special Forces tattoo, don’t have it next to your I LOVE TRACY tattoo, it’s a bit of a giveaway. Choose the Best If you do get asked what mob you were in and stuff, some Walts say the SAS or make up some random fictional unit like the SOANBRRRDT - Special Operations Amphibious Naval Boat Rescue, Response and Reconnaissance Development Team. Be warned, that might lead to some tricky questions. Don’t hit the panic button, though, you can always fall back on the ‘I can’t really say, I’m tied under the Official Secrets Act, sorry.’ My advice is if you’re going to Walt then say you were a cook, or something a little less dramatic, and anyway military cooks have took out far more people than the SAS over the years Standards Walt attacking a Walt is rare, but not unheard of. If you see any pathetic attempts at Walting go for it, be a proud Walt, out them, they give proper Walt’s a bad name! Rumbled If you are close to getting rumbled, I suggest that you say something like you once had a rather serious bang on the head and, sometimes, your memory is a bit wanting. It’s probably true anyway! Remembrance Day Once you get through your parade, my advice is not to stay for the p*ss up. Being exposed as a Walt by three hundred p*ssed up angry veterans, could be a bad move and have a lasting effect on your physical appearance. But the best piece of advice I can give is don’t do it, you are stealing someone else’s valour, you pathetic piece of sh*t ENDEX 2 ‘uncut’ clivewardauthor.com UK Kindle or paperback amazon.co.uk/Endex-2-Uncut-C…

RSM RONALD BRITAIN MBE MSM Enlisted into the Kings Liverpool Regiment during WW1 RSM, Britain eventually transferred to The Coldstream Guards. It is said he had the loudest voice in the British Army and was given the nickname The voice. He appeared in several training films whilst still serving and is reputed to have shouted to his men, "Look straight ahead, don't look at me. If you want to see me, go to the pictures!" He called his wife Corporal and had his rank on his pyjamas, which he readily admitted to. In 1954 Brittain retired from the Army after serving 37 years (20 of those years as RSM) Born 2nd September 1899 in Liverpool. Died 9th January 1981 in Chester. Height 1.91 m. THE SHOUTY MAN By Clive Ward. Warning: Adult content and very dark humour. I warned you!! clivewardauthor.com Available on Kindle and Paperback. amazon.co.uk/dp/B0HLPRNBZV/r…

I doubt the current generation of soldiers could handle the recoil from the large calibre SLR or lug the f**ker around for long and carry the weight of 6 mags of 7.62. The legal claims for back injuries would come flying in. I can hear the young ones now… ‘Here we f**king go again’ as the old and bold brigade bang on about their beloved SLR. It seems to me they’re under the impression that human evolution has led to today’s soldier, but they are not capable of withstanding the recoil of a slightly higher calibre weapon.’ Cheeky young sp*nk. I can hear you crying now, because your target didn't fall when hit, due to your p*ssy 5.56mm round. At least a target hit by a 7.62, ends up all over the f**king range. In my opinion they should never have got rid of the SLR. They should just have updated it and modified it. Miss you, old friend. BULLIES AND BULLSHIT 2 Warning! If easily offended, I really do advise you not to read this book. clivewardauthor.com Available on amazon. amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bullshi…

Thinking about it, knowing that Government Property was printed on every sheet somehow made it more pleasurable when wiping one’s dirty a**e. I think in the early 80’s it was rumoured that the ration was going to decrease to 1 sheet per man due to military spending, but we were prepared. The one sh*t one sheet method Fold sheet into triangle. Tear off top of triangle. Place finger through hole in top of triangle. Apply as required. Use remaining top of triangle to clean under fingernail. The 10- and 4-man ration packs included rolled toilet paper, similar to Izal, it was shiny, waterproof, super for comb and paper entertainment, excellent as tracing paper and for making roll ups when you ran out of Rizlas, just not ideal for what it was meant for! I could never understand why it was supplied in the ration packs anyway I can’t remember using it. There was always someone with rolls of cumfybum selling them at exercise black market prices usually stored in the bottom of their 58-respirator pouch. COMPO FOOD OF THE GODS by Clive Ward clivewardauthor.com Available on Kindle and paperback amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BQGY54HH/r…

Military Humor - Op Banner -VETERAN - BETRAYED - Northern Ireland – Sticker BUY ONE GET ONE FREE militaryhumorstores.com/coll… For all those that served a tour or two over the water during the Troubles, this is the sticker for you. This design is an amazing way to show your support for those that served over the water during this exceptionally difficult period in the Country's history It also serves as a reminder that there are those that were there, that are still suffering today that are still fighting both their mental and physical health and also having to battle vexatious claims from Historic allegations. The sticker is 9cm High x 9cm Wide so a decent size. Postage & Packaging Included for UK purchases.