Cluckface Comedy

Capittcino

My parents used to always say life would be better if I kept my nose clean. I really miss doing drugs with them.

Love it when bus drivers exchange a wave when the pass each other. ‘Look! I’m driving a big toot toot too!’

People who are scared to produce their own fruit should grow a pear.

How do you complement a bees knees?

I Wonder if restaurants will ever take inspiration from self-service check outs. Saunter in to find 12 microwaves at the door.

I keep all my DVD’s in the hope that one day they will earn the respect that vinyl’s get now. “4K quality… It shouldn’t be viewed like that! Let’s watch a crappier, blurry version with 14 trailers to skip at the start!”

Why are phone alarms named things like ‘Relaxing Rainforest’? ‘Relaxed’ is the last thing I’d be if I woke up in the amazon with a squawking toucan in my lug.

The hangover I would get when I was 18 is how I feel now when waking up sober. #SaturdayMotivation #SaturdayMorning

I think the ‘Peel here’ flap on the corner of ham packets should just say ‘Go get a knife’.

When You Date an Intense Person. @melrose_jamie @jojosutherland