Steve

As someone with autism, emotional regulation is a challenge for me. It always has been. And yet, at Microsoft in the 90s, I someone survived one of the most cut-throat corporate environments you can imagine. The most challenging part, I think, was dealing with OTHER people on the spectrum who were oblivious to how their words and actions made others feel. I've seen people I suspect are also on the spectrum scream things like "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard - I'm going to find the person that hired you and fire them!". It was the 90s, mind you. But still, a bitter pill. No, it wasn't directed at me, but the sentiment has been once or twice :-) My advice? I keep this little summary of Seneca's "On Anger" around. I find it useful, so I thought I'd share it! Anger is a choice born from thinking we’ve been wronged and wanting payback; because it’s chosen, it’s trainable. It wrecks judgment. Once angry, reason is sidelined and we act like we’re briefly insane—so don’t trust any decision made in that state. It’s not useful fuel. Courage/justice come from reason and character, not rage; anger adds heat, not accuracy. Root causes: brittle expectations, entitlement, reading ambiguity as insult, and rumination that keeps reopening the wound. Anticipate annoyances (“premeditatio malorum”): people will err, delays happen, the world is messy—expect it and you’ll snap less. First-aid: delay. Buy time—pause, breathe, count, walk. Anger fades fast if it doesn’t get immediacy. Control the body to cool the mind: lower voice, slow speech, unclench posture; don’t “perform” anger. Avoid known triggers: fatigue, hunger, alcohol, heated crowds, and online pile-ons. Exit early instead of “finishing the argument.” Choose calmer company and models. Anger is contagious; so is composure. With offenders: assume ignorance before malice; correct privately, gently, and specifically; aim to improve them, not to vent yourself. Forgive ordinary faults; save severity for true harms—and even then, act when calm. If you lead or parent: never punish in anger. Delay judgments, separate discipline from emotion, praise more than you punish, shape habits early. In conflict, seek resolution, not victory. Offer off-ramps, concede small points, and don’t escalate with sharp words. Daily practice: brief evening review—what provoked me, where I slipped, what I’ll do next time. Measure progress by fewer, shorter, softer flare-ups. Reframe fast: “Will this matter in a month? Did they mean it? Have I done similar?” Perspective shrinks anger. Use humor and distraction to break loops; change scene/device/context instead of stewing. Bottom line: guard your judgment, slow your reactions, and act only when reason—not rage—has the wheel.