Daily Divot

You will be missed, Captain Pickard! Sir Patrick Stewart.

💣🚨WORLD PREPARES FOR DISASTER; GOLFERS ASK IF THIS MEANS THE COURSE WILL BE LESS CROWDED With a claim circulating that 60 countries are telling citizens to stock up on supplies and prepare for nuclear war, golfers are asking the obvious question: “Should I still book Saturday, or wait for the cancellation rate to improve?” While that number remains unverified, the golf community has already developed a comprehensive emergency plan. 1. Stockpile golf balls. You’ve been preparing for this for years. Those 400 balls in the garage are now a strategic reserve. Unfortunately, 312 are Top-Flites, creating a second humanitarian crisis. 2. Secure a bunker. Preferably one with a shallow lip. You don’t want to survive the apocalypse only to take three shots getting out. 3. Buy nonperishable food. Check your golf bag first. That flattened protein bar from 2019 may qualify as both a food supply and a building material. 4. Establish emergency communications. Text your foursome: “Everyone still good for 8:12?” Expect one guy to reply immediately and another to ask Friday night which course you’re playing. 5. Protect essential documents. Birth certificate. Insurance policy. Scorecard from the time you shot 78. Your family needs to know what you accomplished. 6. Prepare for society to collapse. Practice walking 18. The cart guy may stop accepting your explanation that you “basically already paid online.” One golfer has reportedly requested a private underground simulator, explaining that his household needs “somewhere safe to work on things.” His wife has requested a separate bunker. If civilization ends Saturday morning, are you taking the penalty stroke—or finally admitting nobody’s been counting correctly anyway? #nuclearemergency #prepping

#BREAKING JUDGE BOASBERG REVERSES LAST THREE MASTERS RESULTS, AWARDS ALL THREE TO TIGER WOODS WASHINGTON—Judge James Boasberg stunned the golf world Thursday by overturning the last three Masters victories and awarding all three to Tiger Woods, citing “a reasonable expectation that Tiger would have won if circumstances had been different.” The fictional ruling orders the previous champions to surrender their green jackets within 48 hours, preferably dry-cleaned. “Actual scores are only one factor,” the opinion reads. “The court must also consider crowd enthusiasm, television ratings, and how cool it would have been.” Augusta National immediately appealed, arguing that federal judges cannot retroactively change golf results. That appeal was denied after being ruled “bad for the comeback story.” Woods reportedly learned of his three additional majors while eating breakfast. “I’ve been working hard on my recovery,” he said. “But apparently my legal team has been working harder.” The ruling also grants Tiger relief from every bunker he has entered since 2019 and temporarily blocks his ball from landing in Rae’s Creek. President Trump weighed in with a statement expressing outrage, followed immediately by approval. “Boasberg is involved in golf now? Unbelievable. Very angry about that,” Trump said in this fictional satire. “But giving the wins to Tiger? Right decision. Finally. Terrible jurisdiction, tremendous golfer. I’m considering appealing the judge but keeping the result.” Meanwhile, Rory McIlroy’s attorneys filed an emergency motion asking whether the court could “take a quick look at a few Sundays.” At press time, a local 18-handicap had cited the ruling while demanding his club championship be recalculated based on “the shots I meant to hit.” #TigerWoods #Trump #Golf

⛳ LOCAL GOLFER DEMANDS WORLD RANKING AFTER POSTING THREE GOOD SHOTS FROM A 104 Inspired by YouTube golf power rankings, local golfer Brad Mulligan has petitioned for official recognition after uploading a 47-second highlight reel from a six-hour round. The video features a solid drive, a chip that hit the flagstick, and a seven-foot putt Brad described as “basically major-championship pressure.” Missing from the footage: nine lost balls, four bunker attempts, and a brief disagreement with a goose. “You have to judge the golf people actually see,” said Mulligan, whose on-camera handicap is now +2. “The other 101 shots are behind-the-scenes content.” His editor has since been offered a full-time position as his swing coach. Mulligan is now seeking sponsors, a Masters invitation, and someone who can Photoshop the cart-path bounce out of his longest drive. What would YOUR handicap be if we only counted the highlights? 😂 #Golf #GolfHumor #InternetInvitational #InternetInvitational2026 #youtubegolf

Good morning to those who celebrate it.

None of my @Grok @Bot are working! I see them, but they don't reply.

🚨 NOW HIRING: FOLLOWERS FOR @DailyDivot Position: Full-Time Legend Location: Your phone, probably during work Salary: Competitive. Currently tied with zero. QUALIFICATIONS: • Must be fun, awesome, and willing to laugh at golf’s expense. • Must have 10 years of experience scrolling instead of doing something productive. • Must understand that “one more hole” is a legally flexible statement. • A questionable handicap and strong opinions are preferred. • No golf talent required. Management has none either. RESPONSIBILITIES: • Follow @DailyDivot. • Like posts with the confidence of a person hitting driver over water. • Share with friends, golf buddies, and that guy who insists he “used to be scratch.” • Occasionally comment, “This is why I follow this account.” BENEFITS: ✅ Unlimited unpaid scrolling ✅ Dental coverage: Please cover your mouth when laughing ✅ Retirement plan: Win a scramble with a suspicious 46 ✅ Flexible hours—we disappoint you on YOUR schedule ✅ Immediate promotion to Senior Vice President of Bad Decisions TO APPLY: Hit FOLLOW. No résumé. No interview. No drug test—we’ve seen your putting stroke. Daily Divot is an equal-opportunity offender. All handicaps welcome. @Grok, would you take the job?

Go ahead. Make My Day!

⛳ Mark your calendars! Here’s the 2027 @ChampionsTour lineup, including the playoffs and Challenge Season events. JANUARY 11–16: #SonyChampionshipHawaii 18–23: #MitsubishiElectricChampionship at Hualalai FEBRUARY 8–14: #ChubbClassic MARCH 1–7: #JamesHardieInvitational 15–21: #CologuardClassic 22–28: #HoagSeniorPlayersChampionship APRIL 12–18: #SeniorPGAChampionship Apr. 26–May 2: #TheInsperity MAY 3–9: #MitsubishiElectricClassic 10–16: #RegionsTradition May 31–June 6: #PrincipalCharityClassic JUNE 7–13: #AmFamChampionship 21–27: #DICKSOpen June 28–July 4: #USSeniorOpen JULY 19–25: #SeniorOpen presented by ISPS Handa July 26–Aug. 1: #PortugalInvitational AUGUST 9–15: #BoeingClassic 16–22: #RogersCharityClassic 23–29: #TheAllyChallenge SEPTEMBER 6–12: #SanfordInternational 20–26: #PUREInsuranceChampionship Sept. 27–Oct. 3: #JeffersonLehighValleyClassic OCTOBER 4–10: #FURYKandFRIENDS 11–17: #SASChampionship 🏆 CHARLES SCHWAB CUP PLAYOFFS Oct. 18–24: #StifelCharityClassic Oct. 25–31: #SimmonsBankChampionship Nov. 8–14: #CharlesSchwabCupChampionship 🌎 CHALLENGE SEASON Nov. 29–Dec. 5: #SkechersWorldChampionsCup Dec. 13–19: #PNCChampionship Which event would you most like to attend? 👇 Dates reflect the event weeks shown on the schedule.

PLEASE SHARE - This is a great foundation. Every Dollar Counts. Every Kid Deserves a Shot. A first lesson. A set of clubs. A chance to play. Your donation to Chip In for Junior Golf helps young golfers overcome financial barriers so they can learn the game, build confidence, and make lasting friendships. Whether you give $5, $25, or more, every dollar helps open the door for a junior golfer. donorbox.org/chip-in-now Donate today. Help a child take their first swing toward something great! Share this post to help us reach more people who want to make a difference. #golf #charity #help

This kid is going to be a force in golf. What do you think?

Good morning everyone. What are your plans for today?

At 55, this is amazing. @PhilMickelson

🧑‍🩰💃🪩FROM THE FAIRWAY TO THE DANCE FLOOR Big news: Daily Divot is heading to Dancing With the Stars—with a famous partner whose identity is still top secret. We can’t reveal any names, but our partner has already requested one major change: “Please stop yelling ‘FORE!’ every time you spin me.” Rehearsals have been encouraging. We’ve mastered the bunker shuffle, the three-putt two-step, and an emotionally powerful routine called “Looking for My Ball.” The judges are watching our footwork. We’re checking whether the ballroom has a dress code that allows golf spikes. Will we win the Mirrorball Trophy? Hard to say. But we’ve already asked for two strokes a side. Stay tuned. Our partner is famous. Our rhythm is questionable. #dwts

Hey @elonmusk. Just buy @TMobile @ATT and @Verizon. It would only cost $249 billion combined.

I was playing with @Grok @bot today, and this is what it came up with to help me gain more followers. You have to admit, the concept is kinda funny.