David Sedaris Fan

I went to 3 different colleges...And I remember the last line of my essay was: "If you do not let me in, I will kill myself."

Well, actually, we used to call him The Rooster. Now we call him "The Juicester." EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING goes into his blender.

“Just awful,”my father whispered.“A person’s life reduced to one lousy box.” I put my hand on his shoulder.“Actually, there are two of them”

I'm gonna be able to touch an owl in a couple of hours. So hopefully touching the owl will supersede someone being angry at me.

Again the following morning my flight was cancelled, so I went to Louisville on a private jet, the sort that’s like a limo with wings.

“I know the thing that you speak exact now. Talk me more, you, plus, please, plus.”

I've been tempted to destroy those early diaries, but the very urge reminds me that I really haven't changed all that much.

...I'm not sure what cholesterol actually is. I hear the word and imagine a pale gravy, made by hand, with lumps in it.

...In Europe though, you're not an alcoholic unless you're living half-naked on the street, drinking antifreeze from a cast-off shoe.

...but it saddens Hugh to discuss his childhood monkey. "Oh Maxwell," he'll sigh, and within a minute he'll have started crying.

"Oh you look fine" my mother would say. She meant to reassure me, but looking fine to your mother meant that something was definitely wrong.

...people who said such things to their parents, "I love you," but it always translated to mean, "I'd love to get off the phone with you."

...I'd always harbored a sneaking suspicion I might be a genius. The theory was completely my own, corroborated by no one, but so what?

... my greatest asset is my skin, which glows - it really does! I have to tie a sock over my eyes in order to fall asleep at night.

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

If I was thin, it must be because I'd recently lost the extra fifty pounds traditionally cushioning the standard American ass.

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

"When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy."

Avoiding both the past and the future, they embraced the moment with a stoicism common to Buddhists and recently recovered alcoholics.

I’d tried to straighten him out, but there’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.