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Ed Wiley

@EdWiley

Stand-up comedian. Married with 6 kids. Accidental goat farmer. Jesus follower.

 Georgia, USA
edwileycomedy.com
Joined October 2011
  • Tweets20.6K
  • Following1.9K
  • Followers4.1K
863Media
Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)Photo by Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)
our old female cat with dementia swatted our old male cat without dementia in the face, he looked at her like, "cheryl, we've been together for years, i'd do anything for you, now let's waddle down these stairs and share a bowl of fancy feast like we still love each other"
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Nobody: let's market old bread like it's the book of Revelation Jimmy John's:
Image from Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)
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This is NOT Jimmy John's hate. They make a good, reliable sandwich. All Jimmy John's hate will be reported to OSHA.
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Social media is really not that bad if you avoid accounts that argue and troll nonstop about absolutely everything. They're the ones usually selling something. A book. Podcast ads. Speaking engagements. Lord, give us cat memes.
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That said, I'm about to drop some hot takes on sandwich shops, so buckle up.
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me, to my teenagers: what'd y'all think about the message this morning them: it was good me: what did you like about it them: the words in the message me: them: me: bet
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giving your teenage son the login to your zaxby's app is a path to generational poverty
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You think Buc-ee's is big now? Wait till this AI bubble bursts and they put one in an abandoned datacenter. It'll be like the Oregon Trail just getting to the restroom. 1/2
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"What happened to Dan??" Oh he made it to the brisket station, but died of dysentery between the Chili Limón Pork Rinds and the Beaver Nuggets. Never even saw the restroom. RIP. 2/2
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Traveling on Halloween. Stopped at Chick-Fil-A to grab a bite. I walked by a family and a green dinosaur goes, "What are you dressed as?" Without hesitation I said, "Amish IT Professional", which the parents thought was funny, but really confused the kid. Happy Halloween!
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Me, a dad of six, with three teenagers: I feel like a broken record. My kids: You mean like a broken vinyl record? Me: Yes, a warped, scratched, vintage vinyl record, repeating the same audio continuously. My kids: What'd you say?
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Every Walmart delivery photo looks like forensic evidence
Image from Ed Wiley (@EdWiley)
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Saw the Elizabeth Holmes doc. The best part? Someone in the film said, "Stockholm Syndrome," a lady behind us loud-whispered, "Keith!? What's that?", and the near-empty theater got to hear Keith explain Stockholm Syndrome in an extreme southern accent. South GA is great.
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Does whoever decides this "fall back" mess accept bribes? What's their Venmo?
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I live on a farm. This morning, a hairy baby pig ran through our yard, which is odd because we own exactly zero pigs of any kind, much less hairy ones. But the little guy never stopped running. He Forrest Gumped his way through at full hairy baby pig speed. 1/2
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Dude was in such a hurry to get home, he didn't let out a single wee. He ran full throttle into the woods. My kids said they liked his style. We named him Hairy Styles. I'll report back if we see him again. 2/end
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to be clear we do not have flying cars, we have flying car
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"Chat, attend this next meeting as me, but me in a much better mood."
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more should be said about the impact of ozempic on church pot lucks, there are nanas going home with entire untouched casseroles
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questions: is it a christian band, or christians in a band is it a gas station starbucks, or a starbucks in a gas station is it ai, or is it any reel from your mom
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