The Emerald Mole

Calm and confident atmosphere at the club house. Gaffer on the one to one chats, Tullet’s limited himself to 4 Jaegers to ‘keep himself ticking’ whilst Murph’s practising headers against the dartboard. Business as usual. Let’s fucking go.

Rudders not available for the 6-0 pumping in Crawley because picking emerald players up from the kitchen and dropping em to game. Rounded 6-0 winners v @Bn_Dons in the league. The fortress wasn’t a place to be hanging.

Last nights results still stinging but we move. Poor refereeing decisions are part and parcel and it’d be easy to point the finger at Oscar for missing an open goal so that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. You stupid, stupid cunt Oscar.

Emerald release this tweet with intention of disassociating ourself with any other account on this app. This account is the official platform for all things Emerald and all else you see is a low level batty man imposter. We look forward to rodgering Snus next time. Safe.

Bally Kid, Tavern on The Green at half 9. Ps you smell.

Wesson 5 pints deep and shadow boxing. Told him to sit and calm down. Replied he hates Spurs, Snus and Rishi Sunak and is ready for aggro any minute.

Though his official position at the club remains unknown, Billy Wesson would like to state he’ll be drinking Carlsberg all day and is willing to meet anyone affiliated with Snus at SG skatepark for a straightener from 5:30pm onwards.

Disappointing to exit the cup. As gaffer GC imposes we win and lose as a team, however today accepts the blame lies with one individual. If not for the crack can fan useless two bob Charlie Hewitt we’d be having it off ahead of the semi. Couldn’t catch a cold. Fucking worm.

Club buzzing ahead of Sunday. Spirits high. Chat popping, pics of oppositions birds tits being banded about. Some actual decent, considering what ugly fucks the fellas are you gotta say fair play. Shame the only motor boating come Sunday will be Hanz through their defence. Mugs.

GC wants access to socials. Wally. Only call him gaffer to organise numbers. CL9 runs the show internally. The life sized Smurf known as manager couldn’t post a birthday card let alone a tweet.

No new signings for the Emerald in January despite taking Three players on trial. Two simply wasn’t up to GC’s standards, with a Third lad starting well but a passing comment on Brexit consequently lead to him being chinned by club lunatic Lee Bruton.

4-0. Stupendous effort from the boys who quite frankly tore their opponents a new one. Professional fucking rogering. Mugs. Tullet’s bollock bashing has turned out to be a ting and there’s jaeger and testicles flying round a jubilant clubhouse.

Huge game today. All the lads seem double up for it. Few on the packet last night but majority fresh and ready. New team ritual catching on, starting 11 smashing bollocks together like conkers. Tullet reckons pumps the testosterone. All men here. Let’s fucking go.