Labour Baroness Ayesha Hazarika conducted a perfectly neutral interview with Labour Minister Yvette Cooper on Sky News this morning and pulled out two shocking, but completely unrelated stats. The British armed forces currently only have around 180,000 personnel, and there are over 430,000 people aged 16–24 claiming PIP in England and Wales alone. Hazarika and Cooper reached the same alarming conclusion: this proves Russia is about to invade the UK. Tory MP Helen Whately is in full agreement with them on this issue. She revealed on Twitter that the scandal goes deeper than we dared imagine: many if not most of the children claiming DLA go on to claim PIP as adults. For some inexplicable reason, their disabilities don’t miraculously clear up on their 18th birthday. It just so happens that my kid has a disability, but I’m not accepting excuses from him. He’s only two, but I’ve already told him that if he doesn’t learn to walk by the time he’s 18, he’s joining the army. As you can see, I’m a responsible parent. Since I’m a TV superstar, I don’t need to claim benefits for my kid, but I like to smugly look down one those who do. However, I reserve most of my ire for disabled adults. I scream at anyone who parks in a disabled bay that they don’t look disabled enough for a blue badge. I then remind them that I pay for their car, even though they actually pay for it themselves. It’s amazing how lifelong disabilities turn people into massive scroungers. As Helen Whately noted there is “a clear path from child DLA to PIP to a lifetime on benefits.” Obviously, we must get our young people off the benefits conveyor belt, and given that we’re crying out for grunts to throw into the meat grinder, the solution is obvious: Going forward, Fit for Work assessments must ask if the claimant can squeeze a trigger. If the answer is yes, their claim will be denied and they’ll be given a place in the military. Yes, those kids in wheelchairs wouldn’t last a week on the front line, but the same would be true if they could walk. What matters is that the bloke who runs our military said we need to start making sacrifices to defeat Russia, and I vote that we sacrifice disabled people who refuse to work. It’s the only way to cut the welfare budget—I mean, save the country.

Sure America doesn't have universal healthcare or high speed rail yet, but did you know it's the only country in the world that has built flying cars that can't actually fly properly?

Due to a worrying outbreak of empathy for Palestinians, the British government is taking a string of measures to tackle antisemitism in schools. These measures include banning things that are not antisemitic but might hurt the feelings of Zionists, such as telling the truth about Israel and acting like Palestine exists. Most importantly, schools will establish a new racism hierarchy which will go like this: - Antisemitism will be put in a separate category and treated as an extra-evil form of racism that causes more serious harm than the others. - Anti-black racism will be something that we occasionally pretend to care about, but we’ll still treat every black boy like a potential drug dealer. - Islamophobia will be ignored, and if anyone kicks up a fuss, counter-terrorism police will be notified of possible radicalisation. - Anti-GRT racism will be positively encouraged because we all hate gypsies, don’t we? - And finally, anyone who refuses to participate in anti-Palestinian racism will be arrested and charged with an antisemitic hate crime. We need much stricter measures to prevent antisemitism because it’s not more prevalent than other forms of racism. Apparently, 95% of black kids have experienced racism at school, but they’re not top of the hierarchy so who cares? A whopping 60% of Jewish kids have experienced antisemitism at school, even though 70% of them attend a Jewish school. This proves that even Jewish schools are hotbeds of antisemitism. While we centre Jewish pupils, it’s important that we disregard the feelings of Palestinian pupils. We demand neutrality in our schools so even something as simple as a badge with the Palestinian colours will be banned. We don’t want any political symbols around our kids, thank you. Obviously, it will be fine to wear an Israeli badge because we wouldn’t dare ban those. Poppies will also be fine as long as they’re not those evil black, white, green, and red ones. All pupils will be expected to wave the Ukrainian flag every morning. The aim is to give them a more nuanced understanding of conflict. We need to stop alarming them with sensationalist claims, which is why we’re telling them Russia is going to invade Europe like Hitler and they must be ready for conscription by the time they leave school. If the Russia threat goes away, they can go fight whichever stupid Middle East war Israel is starting next. In the meantime, they can practice by playing Call of Duty until they are numb to mass death and destruction. Far too many British kids were feeling sad about stuff on TikTok and not behaving like the hate-filled brats we want them to be. Now that we’ve banned them from social media and banned TV presenters from saying the word “genocide”, all we need to do is ban kids from talking about Gaza in schools and they will have no idea what’s going on. Their malleable minds will then be ready. The final step in our devious plan will be to give all teachers special training to tackle antisemitism. They will be sent over to Israel where they will get the re-education treatment and be forced to kiss the wall, just like all the politicians Israel controls. Anyone who doesn’t put their tongue deep enough into the crack will be beaten until their kissing technique improves. They will then be sent back to the UK to teach kids that genocide is “complicated” and tell them a lovely story about how God promised Zionists that land 3,000 years ago and it’s racist to not let them steal it. They will then ask them to perform healthy tasks such as throwing darts at pictures of Zack Polanski.