Nerf Herder

My vote is if they keep acting like the gays are the problem we start acting like it. Time to choose chaos.

Okay but here me out. baba yaga, but with Waffle House.

✨Be someone’s reason for believing in “Mercurys in retrograde”✨

The real Twilight a sequel is when they break up and one becomes a lighthouse keeper and one becomes a lesbian.

If I thumbs up your text I really mean fuck you.

I can’t wait till Miley releases an autobiography. I wanna hear the nitty gritty.

We are driving to Tennessee from Philly and as the passenger princess I’ve been tasked with DJing. I started strong but then got lazy so I put on one of my wife’s playlists. Every song that comes on she says “oh this is a great song.” Check. Mate.

My birthstone is a coffee bean.

Everything I get elevated I look up adult gymnastic gyms in my area.

This is where I tweet from.

Yoooo last night I was training the new hire behind the bar and he started telling the customers about how his seven year relationship ended. It was beautiful. It was such an uno reverse card unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The bartender making the customer the therapist. 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

Rationally I know all of this is bcuz @paramore is splitting from their label but irrationally it makes me feel like they are breaking up which makes me wanna K i double hockey stick myself. The anxiety makes my belly hurt.

I think the decline in my mental health is correlated to the lack of crab Rangoon in my life.

I don’t think I’ll ever have “crows feet” because I don’t smile enough. Idk if I feel good about that.

At this point, I would eat the rich WITHOUT SALT.

Can’t wait till she dumps his ass and marries Jim.

Lmao Shelby and I have been back in Knoxville visiting since Monday and we’ve already had someone threaten to stab us. I truly feel safer in Philly.

Making my wife parallel park while I scream sing Since You’ve Been Gone is why I’m taking her last name.

I hate sand