Fly J

Pro Tip: Feel the need for a good relationship? Get a dog.

The great thing about getting older is the ability to fall and hurt yourself without even drinking.

Quit crying, it only gets worse. Start drinking now and you'll be fine. -Me as a high school guidance counselor.

I can only assume that when people disappear from Twitter for months at a time that they're doing well in rehab.

Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house and get a job? God, we were dumb.

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

People keep inviting me to attend their events like they don’t know I have a dog at home who I’d rather hang out with.

Is it ok to say, “Fuck you, I want a divorce” in a text or no.

I wanted to get off the couch and get a glass of water, but I'm too lazy to move, so I decided to tweet about it instead.

I wonder how many bodies are buried in Boyd's backyard.

please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

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