Zilla

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

cop: we have video evidence of you with ten pounds of drugs me: yeah but the camera adds ten pounds so really you guys caught me with nothing cop: holy shit...

[martial arts fight] sensei: put them in a sleeper hold me: [cradling opponent like a baby] like this? sensei: no not like tha- me: [opponent falling asleep] sshhh

her: you pretending your life is a talk show is driving us apart. we need to take a break me: you're absolutely right. let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with our next guest

me: there's something i need to tell you. last night i met up with my ex wife: ok me: we had a few drinks wife: omg... me: and we played basketball wife: you didn't cheat? me: no i didn’t need to she fucking sucks

me: fbi stands for federal boobie inspector right haha fbi agent: [arresting me] shut the fuck up [looking at my chest] but not bad

me: i'm gonna be a dad friend: congratulations. boy or girl? me: boy. dads are always boys

[first day as zoo tour guide] me: elephants have very thick skin. observe [to elephant] hey, idiot! elephant: [eats some leaves] me: see? doesn't even care

[restaurant] me: table for one waiter: can i get your name? me: [defensively] no get your own

me: officer there's a suspicious looking van parked outside cop: does it look shady? me: yeah it's actually a pretty good parking spot

[first day as bartender] customer: can i get a beer? me: what kind? customer: hein- me: heinz? customer: no. heineken- me: [popping open ketchup like a bottle of beer] good choice

[after surgery] doctor: you'll never walk again me: oh god doctor: the heely implants were a success

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage me: did i break my legs? doctor: it was only 5 feet me: and they're ALL broken?!

[oxygen bar] me: coming here is a breath of fresh air haha bartender: i think you've had enough me: what? bartender: [starts choking me]

me: call me daddy her: [calls my dad] he's still talking like a pirate

me: wanna be friends with benefits her: oh yeah me: great [i slowly take off my shirt to reveal insurance plan tattooed on my chest] as you can see our dental plan is excellent

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it mobster: got it [later, gun to his chest] mobster: doctor sends his regards

date: did you fart? me: no that was the chair date: it smells really bad me: must be the chair date: is that poop? me: that's chair poop

me: what's your greatest fear coworker i hate the most: being burried alive. why? me: [taking notes] no reason

me: better have it and not need it than need it and not have it doctor: i am not going to give you two dicks