Humor Hive

New Year’s Resolution - epphany.com/site/post/354?m=…

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

There are surprisingly few bunny rabbits in hip-hop.

The bat signal, but for snacks.

Was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

There are two things in life that we all can agree on. Boobs.

Always be yourself, unless you're an undercover cop.

I exaggerate at least 20,000 times a day.

I had an ant farm once. Those lazy things didn't grow shit!

Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

"This seems like a reasonable place to sob uncontrollably." -Women, anywhere

The word "chafe" rubs me the wrong way.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Many of my life's decisions are based on avoiding aggravation.

PMS = Prepare to meet Satan.

"Yes! Someone has dropped some food! Let's wait 5 seconds and then attack." - Germs

Listen, if I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you will suffice. I don't need any of this "how did you get in my house" crap

I'll be there in 5 minutes. If not, read this again in 5 minutes.

Fire is never not cool.

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to a friend. He finally said "I don't follow you"