Off with his head
Joined March 2014
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Date: I love guys who can have deep conversations
Me: mmm ocean
Date: what
Me: Grand CAnyon
Date: …
Me: MARIANA TRENCH
Hills I will die on:
-Everest
-capitol
-notting
-ant
-ketchup ruins fries
-most hills honestly I have bad balance
Girl at bar: what are you doing?
Me: I figured I would just spark up some conversation
Girl at bar: why do you need that? *points to the stick of dynamite in my hand*
Me *pulling a lighter out of my pocket*: I just fucking told you
Headless horse, man retweeted
athlete: so if triathlon is running, biking and swimming, that must mean biathlon is running and biking?
coach: [taking out skis and a gun] haha yeah you’d think so
Headless horse, man retweeted
[9 millionth time washing my hands in life]
“I think I will once again only turn on the hot water and then get pissed when I burn my hands”
Headless horse, man retweeted
“Tony Hawk” = skateboard legend
“Tony, hawk!” = warning my friend Anthony shortly before his face was ripped off by a bird
Headless horse, man retweeted
Me: let’s get lunch
You: Arby’s?
Me: yeah the bees are also getting lunch
Headless horse, man retweeted
[inventor of record player]
“I feel like this plate has something to say”
Headless horse, man retweeted
I hate when people tell me “whatever floats your boat” because I legitimately do not understand how boats float so I have no idea what floats my boat, what am I supposed to do with this metaphor, what I’m saying is don’t talk to me
Headless horse, man retweeted
Me: only god can judge me
God *glances over his reading glasses and then back to his newspaper*: like 3 out of 10