Candy Witch

I always see submissive men complaining that it’s impossible to find a dominant woman who wants a “real” relationship with them. Well… what are you offering her outside your kink? One of the best lifestyle dynamics I’ve had looked nothing like the BDSM fantasy men usually describe. He basically drove me around for almost a year. I never had to tell him much. If I said “the bookstore on 5th” he knew which one. He remembered the bookstores I liked and was always happy to pay when I walked out with another pile of books. If I got into the car tired and didn’t feel like talking, he didn’t make it a thing. He’d just drive, stop at my fav coffee place and come back with my almond latte and tiramisu. If I did want to talk, we could talk for hours. He was smart, had his own life, his own opinions, plenty to tell me. I knew what was happening in his life too. I asked about his days, listened when he was having a shit week, supported him when he needed it. There was no sex between us. We didn’t even really get into kink until about three months after we met. Of course we had kinky moments after that, but they were never the main reason we spent time together. I barely even gave him orders. And yet he served me better than a lot of men who have introduced themselves with “I’m submissive, I want to be useful for you.” Sometimes I’d complain that I was exhausted and a cleaning service would show up at my place the next day. Once after we spent an evening talking, I woke up to flowers and a little note: “I love when you smile. Thank you for last night” He didn’t need a list of tasks, he just served and did it really well. That’s probably the biggest difference I’ve noticed over the years. Cos the best lifestyle subs I’ve known were technically “vanilla” men. Meanwhile, men I met on BDSM sites would arrive with a fully formed fantasy of what “their domme” was supposed to do for them. Orders, punishments, kinky outfits, constant kinky attention, endless involvement in their submission. They were very clear about what they wanted from her. Usually much less clear about what she was supposed to get from them. I think that’s part of why online domination suits me. Nobody has to pretend my time is free because I’m the dominant one. I get to enjoy the fruits of his labour, and if I choose to invest my time and thought into him, he gets something kinky from me too. That makes far more sense to me than a man asking for a “lifestyle Domme” when what he really wants is a woman doing unpaid kink and emotional labor because he calls it a relationship. So submissive men, stop complaining and ask yourself the uncomfortable question: what does she actually get from having you in her life? If you come online specifically for kink, you pay for a Domme’s time and attention and you still treat her like a person. If you want the “real thing,” then you invest yourself into the relationship. Your time, your care, your attention, maybe practical help, you make her life nicer, you become someone she enjoys having around. And maybe then she actually wants to spend her time playing with you, controlling you, teasing you and getting involved in your kink&fantasies. You either pay for the fantasy, or you become the kind of man she actually wants to live it with.