Not Irish Rail

Due to the spiralling number of COVID cases in Northern Ireland, from today passengers travelling from the north will be asked to identify the correct packet of Tayto. Passengers who get it wrong will be asked to turn around and wise up. #COVID19ireland #NorthernIreland

Irish commuters: ‘hey Irish Rail, where is my train?’ Irish Rail:

Irish Rail after your train arrives 4 hours late, spends another 45 minutes waiting outside Portarlington, provides broadband that’s slower than a carrier pigeon and then they confiscate your 12 cans of Bavaria #irishrail

Did you know, just like Marks and Spencer pump the smell of freshly baked shortbread through their shops to give homely feeling, @AerLingus do the same, only with an odour that’s a mix of Guinness farts and mashed potato created by Paul Costelloe #traveltrivia #fact #ireland

Ah would ya ever just fuck off once and for all? #BacktoSchool2023 #EnochBurke

Ireland: watches Spanish FA scandal unfold One man (previously scorned):

Best of luck to everyone getting Leaving Cert results today. Always remember that it is not the be all and end all. You don’t need a Leaving Cert to sell nudes on Only Fans. #leavingcertresults

Rose of Tralee contestant: ‘I’m going to recite a poem I wrote myself’ The entire nation:

Another busy evening ahead as @MalahideCastleG host Florence and the Mechanics. If you are attending, rest assured we will be putting on extra excuses to ensure you get home knowing how much we would have liked to help if only we could be arsed #irishrail

Due to Ryan Tubridy walking through Sydney Parade station throwing bundles of cash in the faces of peasants, all services are delayed until RTÉ spend the money on rebooting Calor Housewife of the Year #rte #RyanTubridy

Due to @NadineCoyleNow trying to pay a schoolchild fare but forgetting her date of birth, all services to Coolmine are delayed by 3 hours #sorrynotsorry

Due to the driver going home because he didn't like the socks he wore to work, all services to Sandymount are delayed by several days #sorrynotsorry

Due to Jedward starting a socialist revolt in Cherry Orchard, all services to Dún Laoghaire are delayed by 15 hours #sorrynotsorry #irishrail

Due to Daniel O'Donnell selling stolen paintings of tractors on a level crossing in Leitrim, all services to Balbriggan are delayed by 15 hours

Due to Bono disappearing up his own arse on a level crossing near Fermoy, all services to Millstreet are delayed by 12 hours #sorrynotsorry

Due to @Pontifex trying to perform an exorcism a packet of prawn cocktail Tayto, all services to Cloughjordan are delayed by 24 hours #sorrynotsorry

Due to a Carter Twins fan conference, all services to Park West and Cherry Orchard are delayed by 18 hours #sorrynotsorry #irishrail

Due to @campaignforleo flagging down a DART just so he can show off his snazzy socks, all services to Clondalkin and Fonthill are delayed by 14 hours

Due to a hedgehog going rogue and insisting he's @NiallOfficial, all services to Drumcondra are delayed until Bertie Aherne gets the Broy Harriers back in

Due to the Expose huns telling us that XworX jeans are totally back in fashion, all services to Millstreet are delayed until Dutch Gold go back to 6 for a fiver

Due to Ronan Keating asking for a 'scccccchhhingle to Scccccchhhkerriescccchhh', all services to Midleton are delayed by 6 seconds #sorrynotsorry