James Whitmore

You don't mess with the grill master, especially after I've had 11-13 beers.

It has become abundantly clear that the Miami Heat suck major donkey cock.

Arch Manning has solidified himself as the worst Manning. Even worse than Cooper Manning.

Reach for the stars. Even if you miss, I still have hemorrhoids.

I’m not proud to say it, but I have paid for sex in Kohls Cash.

I'm not proud of how many beers I drank last night, but I am proud of how I didn't shit my pants.

I'm 26 beers in and I'm not stopping till I hit 40 or I shit myself, whichever comes first.

Accidentally bumped into my cousin underneath the mistletoe and we both just said ‘Fuck it’ and tongue kissed each other.

Remember, if you drink tonight and don’t think you can drive, only risk it if you KNOW you won’t get pulled over.

I’m running out of fingers to count how many times I’ve shit myself in the Arby’s drive-thru.

Thanksgiving is over, but that’s no excuse to not get absolutely piss-your-pants drunk tonight.

Unzip your pants and shotgun a beer, it’s Friday and the only thing you’ll regret tomorrow is that you didn’t drink enough tonight to completely piss yourself.

Always make sure your safety is on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost shot my dick off because I forgot to sober up.

I’m guzzling this 21-year old Bourbon like it’s water. At $200 a shot, I feel like a king tonight. A king that is likely going to wake up covered in golden piss.

Folks, nobody is above the law, not even this sneaky stupid son of a bitch.

I'm ready for the weekend folks.

My neighbors know to ignore all gunshots coming from my yard and house. In fact if they don’t hear me firing a gun on any given day, they know something is terribly wrong.

Happy Friday. Remember to drink in moderation, but if you must get blackout drunk, remember that I'll be right there with you, pissing my pants after 19 beers.

It's Saturday. The fridge is fully stocked with PBR Tall Boys, my gun rack looks neat and tidy, and I've got 30 pre-rolled cigarettes. It's time to take my pants off.