Jem Roberts: Author/Historian/Comedian &c.

• The #ISIHAC Bible 🎺 • The True History of the Blackadder ⚔️ • The Frood: Official Douglas Adams & H2G2 🤖 • #SoupyTwists: Authorised @StephenFry & @HughLaurie 🍸 • @FabFools: The Beatles’ Comedy 🃏🎶 • @TalesofBritain 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 On paper & Audible: audible.co.uk/author/Jem-Rob… – at Bath, England

Jessie J's song 'Pricetag', despite its continual international airplay, has only so far actually made £16.53 for the singer; which she is perfectly happy about.

My strength is as the strength of ten men... But I'm not going to tell you which ten men.

Famously, when making Don't Look Now, they really did it on screen: actor Donald Sutherland really was stabbed by an evil gnome.

Quite a day for stupid little clueless pricks to announce to an uncaring world that they wouldn’t have “fallen for” Ghostwatch. Yeah, well you weren’t there, kiddy: the brother and sister who sired you hadn’t shagged yet.

We should make it illegal for any TV presenter to have more than one quiz show vehicle.

20 years ago I loathed nobody in comedy more than Russell Brand, Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais. (Skipping over Noel Fielding, who I developed immunity to some time ago.) Definite vindication on two out of three (so far) ain’t bad.

What professional losers like Ramsay fail to grasp is that almost nobody ever gave a shit about The Green Party or their policies – but it's almost by default that, with Zack's leadership, it happens to be the only voting option left for voters with working hearts and brains.

I wonder what it says that there are only really three celebrities who forced me into watching The Traitors – and they are the only ones who never turned up for any of the after-game content/parties.

MYTH FACT: Werewolves' bums can only be properly wiped with silver toilet paper.

I don’t understand why people are pretending The Traitors is a real life-or-death phenomenon, and not a TV gameshow devised from taking Murder In The Dark, blending in format points from Taskmaster, Weakest Link and Big Brother, then coating it in camp schlock to hide the joins.

I look forward to further movies from the ‘Wicker’ team: ‘Running’, ‘Omega’, ‘Punch & Judy’, ‘Elephant’, ‘Music’, ‘Six Million Dollar’ and ‘Invisible’.

I strolled past Sir Patrick Stewart, wandering up the hill on my lunchbreak when he was in Waiting For Godot at the Theatre Royal Bath. We smiled at each other. I passed Sir Ian McKellen on my way back down the hill. Same.

When someone I care about is bereaved, I always go out of my way to tell them how sorry I am. It's usually my fault anyway.

All young men look like embarrassing photos of their future selves.

I’m just putting it out there – please don’t step on it.