Josh Rohrer

#Karma, you are the most beautifully ironic, undisputed welterweight champion of bitches! Watching a miserably horrible person get their come-up'ns in the inventive ways you do,is like watching an artist paint a masterpiece with the hate and discontent created by that person!

#WeirdThingsToSteal used diapers... It's even weirder to buy 'em

#MyDreamJobAsAKid was to be in a hair band, 30 years later I'm a comedian!

Politicians begging for campaign money is like tithing at church. Less fortunate people giving money to the already wealthy in hopes of a miracle, only to have your no-no square fondled by the leader!

If Joaquin Phoenix's inbred cousin can get this kind of money to go away, why can't I? teapawt.net/i/events/1186636645618…

The #manbabyinoffice made one of the strongest fighting forces on the planet look like an international fuck boy leaving the scene of a paternity test reveal. teapawt.net/i/events/1186209988861…

Good to know my hometown is keeping it classy. I'll take a Whopper and a show any day! youtu.be/QePn0Yn8egY

#IFeelLikeAChampionWhen my day runs smoothly... FUCKING NEVER!

Lucid decapitation #IsCreepyButCool you can stay conscious for up to 30 seconds after having your head removed!

#MakeMeWinceIn4Words mistakenly trusted a fart

#MakeMeWinceIn4Words it's a VSCO thing

#KidsBornAfter2000WillNeverKnow how creepy Teddy Ruxpin really was!

Hell yeah! He missed calling @realDonaldTrump an unprofessional, draft-dodging, 2 brain cells looking for each other having man-baby that can't stop tweeting! #micDrop

Anyone thought #JeremyRenner would make a good Batman? He's already in the batshit cave!

Kids are the most brutal reminder of past mistakes. 9 y/o- "Dad said to bring your homework out,so he can check it." 12 y/o- "Why? So he can tell me I messed up?" 9 y/o- "Yeah. It's ok we all mess up. you're here, right?" #kids

#IWouldPayGoodMoneyFor someone to erase me shitting my pants in front of my fuck trophies' memory!

My Twitter feed is filled with federal government figures bickering back and forth about absolutely nothing. They're showing off for likes and ratings. Does anyone truely, honestly believe any of what they have to say. #nofollowthrough #completelycorrupt #OVERIT

#ItsSoGoodToSee stupid people keep their mouths shut... It never happens though.

If the United States we're a man we'd have so many kids because, our pull out game is shit!

#WhatIWantForMyKids politics to not be injected into every part of their lives!