JustSomeChick

Sure if u read my tweets I look like kind of an asshole,but if u read my REPLIES...I look like a complete asshole.

This is the fundamental problem with @FoxNews, bc they truly do not give a DAMN what they imply 😂🐽😂

Framing really is everything. If I told you a married woman spent hours in bed w/another man who had his hands all over her- Was she cheating, or having her appendix removed?

You think you’re “the biggest animal lover”? My 60yo neighbor hunted black widows at night w/a flashlight so their dog wouldn’t get bit or dosed w/pesticides.

Smart woman!

Cavemen knew it, the Grimms Bros. knew it, why do people suddenly consider fiction novels a “guilty pleasure” when they teach us about functioning in the world?

Fiction is just the non-annoying version of self-help books. I thought everyone knew this?

If workouts had a Yelp page, lunges would be SO fucked.

*Excerpt from actual work email* “Sorry it took so long for a reply, things have been a little wild. I’ll explain more at the meeting, but it involves sewage, circuitry, & bees”

Raising kids would get WAY easier if your eyes were able to glow red…just sayin’

The first person to invent contacts that make your eyes glow on command wins.

I don’t know how I expected jaguars to sound when they roared, but it was definitely not like this m.youtube.com/watch?v=SS53en…

Why do “love potions” always result in romantic love? Imagine slipping a familial love potion into the eggnog at xmas!

They mention booze in Harry Potter, but never the aftermath of drunken spell-casting?

*Drops papers* RATS! Coworker: why do you say “rats”? Mostly bc I can’t say fuck at work, other than that, no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never explain slang to my foreign colleagues bc I sound stupid EVERY. 👏 TIME. 👏

Brendon Urie made every other episode of #DrunkHistory look stone cold sober m.youtube.com/watch?v=zjmXSJ…

“To seduce my wife bc she didn’t speak English” The #1 best reason for learning a foreign language. #GOAT

Bigger than a standard poodle w/poofy curls like an oversized muppet