@KellyCollette

Stand up comedian (DryBar, CMT, SF Sketchfest, Limestone, Sirius XM, NPR) I'm not famous but my friends are.

kellycollettecomedy.com
Joined August 2009
  • Tweets10K
  • Following917
  • Followers2.3K
810Media
I love when you hand a dog a treat and they are like, thanks, I'll be having this in the other room. Excuse me.
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Got back on x just to see the Kelly Clarkson bird drama
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I don’t care what yall bishes are fighting about can I have healthcare please
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I’ve created an OF account for my top fans to sit in on my writing sessions and behind the scenes of comedy. My special is being taped in Chicago on Monday! Please come out :)
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Be considerate today. Remember, if your dogs are afraid of fireworks, take them inside, to my house. Please. Bring me dogs.
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I’m headlining the Liberty Funnybone on Sunday! Tickets 🎫 Liberty.funnybone.com

Funny Bone Comedy Club | Liberty, OH

Liberty Funny Bone Comedy Club features premier stand-up comedians that bring a great evening of entertainment to you. Liberty Funny Bone has live entertainment four to five nights a week!

liberty.funnybone.com
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Career advice I just gave someone: Hey if you change cum rag to cum towel you might get a better laugh it’s just more clear
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📣 JUST ANNOUNCED 📣 Comedian @KellyCollette will be opening for @traecrowder's Just Me & Y'all Tour at @thebrowntheatre on July 23! 🎟 Get tickets now at bit.ly/KPATraeCrowder.
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There’s no good reason a parking app would need to send me a marketing email. Ma’am you got my business by law.
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Because he started watching The Bear without me… your Honor.
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How do you relax your shoulders. Like, for real.
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Kelly Collette retweeted
Curt Simic@csimic932 Jun 2023
Replying to @KellyCollette
@KellyCollette Great to have you back in Btown! @LimestoneFest – at Indiana, USA
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I will run out of gas before I “see cashier” I literally refuse
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Kelly Collette retweeted
Smash Indy@HarderBrunch29 May 2023
She’s not like other Mom’s, because she doesn’t have any kids. Comedian @KellyCollette is in studio for the Indy 500. youtu.be/zPrydpIUXMc
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Once again I have turned down going to the Met Gala
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Crazy to think that after Wesley saves Princess Buttercup that she goes on 400 years later to be president of the United States
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You used to have to call a 1-800 number to order a mix CD
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Kelly Collette retweeted
Tony Pike
@tony_pike1511 Apr 2023
Tomorrow! Cincy360 on @espn1530 will have @MoveTheSticks talk all things NFL draft, we’re talking Reds,Bearcats, Muskies, FCC and more! And to cap it all off, comedian @KellyCollette will join me ahead of her return to Cincinnati this weekend. – at Sharonville, OH
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I got a bird feeder that hangs in my window. I wanted to observe little birdies eating little seeds. Instead- bird massacre. Pigeon fights. I didn’t mean to create the colosseum.
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People be like, I’d you don’t have kids who will visit you in the nursing home. You’re telling me I have kids and I am still ending up in a nursing home?
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The drama of Vanderpump rules has United us and even celebrities have opinions. Kailey Cuoco, Jerry O’Connel… I heard Michele Obama tell them to go low. Dropped her whole slogan and said be petty.
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