Adam Zak

🏔️ Playbook for Starting a Men's Group in 2024 ↓ In my experience, being part of a regular men's group has done more for my personal growth + levels of connection over the past decade than perhaps anything else. I historically struggled to form deep male friendships, but over the past few years, realized there is something incredible that happens when a group of men commit to showing up for each other consistently + support one another no matter what. Here's the playbook that I've co-created over the last decade — I'm sharing it here in case others find it useful. NB. if you have questions or curiosities about any of the format etc. reply below or DM and I'll try to answer 📝 Starting Your Group (Prep) Ideal Number of Men: we’ve found that generally, 4-7 is an ideal number. Enough to create dynamism in the group (2-3 can feel too casual), whilst 8+ may not give enough time for each man to be seen/held and it feels less intimate. In-person vs. Remote: unless you are living nomadically and moving on a regular basis, I highly recommend being in person. We’ve experimented with zooming men in when they’ve been traveling and in my experience, it entirely changes the feel and, whilst fine for check-ins or a catchup, is very challenging for process work. So if at all possible, create a group that is willing to meet in person. How to Curate the Group: we found it worked well to start with 2-3 men who establish the foundation and meet a couple of times to explore their intentions + desires for the group, and from there, make invitations, usually one at a time for men to join the group for a trial evening to see if it feels like a good fit. If possible, strive for diversity in age + interests, but also gauge if they are: a) willing to commit to this for the 6-month minimum (ideally longer) and b) are emotionally literate and willing to show up in their vulnerability + honesty (aim to avoid situations where the men are subtly competing with each other or putting on fronts) Commitments + Cadence: we’ve found that committing to 6-months at a time, meeting twice a month for two hours on Thursday evenings, has worked well. I also know many groups that meet weekly, which can also be great if there isn’t already an established connection + friendship. We have an agreement that unless we are traveling or there is a genuine emergency, every man will show up. BONUS: if possible, schedule a long weekend trip or adventure together once every 6 months, this could be camping, climbing, hiking etc., whatever you all feel excited about doing together. 🙋‍♂️ Five Agreements Presence – leads to attunement to each member in the group. This attunement creates safety for everyone to open and be vulnerable. Being present allows us to get out of our minds and sense what is here to unfold Confidentiality — each man is welcome to speak to his own experience from the group but not share the content of anything shared by another man, without his explicit permission (even to partners). Integrity — honor commitments to each other and the group. Being in integrity with our spoken agreements creates trust and safety in the group. We are in integrity in all areas of life - finances, health and relationships. We actively look for places where we are out of integrity and clean them up. A first step to coming into integrity is acknowledging where there is integrity missing. Cleaning it up is understanding the impact and making amends. Lean In – Staying in connection with others and ourselves while leaning in is our secret sauce for creating breakthroughs. Whether going deep into a process, striving to reach new levels, seeing a blind spot or stepping into fear, we go for the gold. Hold Tension – We create space for tension in our group rather than attempting to fix, rescue or give unsolicited advice. We stay in the present moment holding the tension and wait for guidance to come through. We honor right action and speak the truth as it emerges. ⏳ Logistical Expectations - Be on time to the meeting (within 5 min of the start time) or give a heads up that you are running late. - You will do your best to attend every meeting and you will let the group know if you have to miss a meeting. - If you will be missing many meetings in a quarter due to travel, give the men’s group a heads up as soon as you know and at least 24 hours before the start of the group. - To stay in connection, we appreciate it if those who are going to miss a meeting leave a voice not check-in on our group WhatsApp thread. 🏔️The Two-Hour Format There are many formats and approaches out there, depending on what the intentions of your men’s group are — this is what has worked very well for us, and I would recommend it as a starting point. 5.50pm - arrive and get settled, one man takes the lead in terms of timing to keep the group roughly on track. 6pm - brief meditation or breathing exercise to ground (box breathing etc.) 6.05pm - Check-in Round – each man gets four minutes to share what’s alive for him (important to use a timer!). Mention how he’s feeling mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, plus a high and low for the week. Not necessary to follow this exactly, but it can be helpful. 6.25pm - Integrity Round I – the group takes 2 minutes to tune in and feel if his is in or out of integrity with agreements that he has made to himself, and in or out of integrity with agreements he has made to others (including the men in this group). Each man then shares if they are IN/IN or IN/OUT etc. giving context as to why they are out if necessary. If any man who was ‘OUT’ wishes for reflections or support from the other men then there is space now for this. 6.50pm Integrity Round II – the group takes 3 minutes to tune in and think if there are any commitments they would like to make to the group and be held accountable in for the next two weeks. It’s important that these are both specific (it’s clear if they are met or not met) and written down. Taking it in turns, each man shares what he is committing to in the upcoming 2 weeks (this isn’t essential to commit, but most usually do) 7pm – Individual Process / Reflections / Topics — again the timer is set for 2 minutes for the group to tune in and feel if there is anything alive in him that he would appreciate support from the group. This can be a request for space to be held for either an emotional process, reflections around a specific challenge being faced, or an intellectual topic to explore as a group. When the timer is up, each man raises their fingers with a count of 1-10 depending on how much charge or how urgent they feel the request is. Begin with whichever man has the highest number. Emotional process round – begin with the man giving brief context, what he’s experiencing, and what he would like to ask for. For example, it might be that he’s feeling tension in his chest and feels that there is anger being held or that there is grief from a recent loss which he would appreciate being held and witnessed. Often one man will take the lead in guiding him with curiosity through a somatic process to feel whatever needs to be felt. Reflection Round — begin with the man giving brief context and getting to the essence of what he would like reflections in (could be the way he showed up in relationship, or a way that he feels that he is out of integrity, or challenges with habitual patterns etc. — for this it’s essential that a) the man sharing owns his experience using ‘I’ statements, and that the other men do not give advice unless specifically requested and instead ask questions. Intellectual Topic Round – these usually come towards the end and begin with a prompt or question such as ‘How do I want to show up as a father and husband when my kid arrives’ or ‘How do you keep yourself grounded during conflict’ or ‘what meditation practices have been most helpful’ etc. 7.55pm – Check-out — close with two minutes of silence and then a three-word check-out, sharing how each man is feeling in three words. 8pm – the evening is complete!