E BROla

I think “Christian” parents who abort their LGBTQ kids from their homes should also go to prison for 99 years; since we’re on the topic of morality and self-righteousness.

If you’re over the age of 25 and you’re still actively going to EDM festivals like EDC, you’re a loser and you need reevaluate your life choices. It ain’t cute, bruh

I’ve concluded that with 6 sours beers they all start to taste like dirty sock water— I’m okay with it.

Does anyone remember the last time they rung a doorbel, cause I sure as shit couldn’t tell you?

My stress levels are highest when I'm indecisive in the liquor store, and they think I'm some kind of rookie.

A romantic evening that begins with a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom.

Legitimately not sure if I'm hearing my neighbor get fucked or dying 👀🤔

Only on twitter for Trump melt downs

The term "midlife crisis" is ambiguous, since I have no idea when I'll die. That's why I've been an asshole since my mid-20s.

Spin class is probably fun if you like being yelled at for an hour while trying to keep an entire bike from going inside you.

Don't invite me to anything where I can't sit down.

Under Armour is the official uniform of dads who used to be pretty good in high school.

If you can't handle me at vodka,you don't deserve me at Red wine.

Are you gonna feel guilty at the strip club with your Harriet Tubman twenties now?

Okay stranger, it's clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

If she calls Target "Tarjay," strap in for an exciting life full of missionary position in the suburbs.

My penis just accidentally brushed against the inside of a work toilet, so I guess this is goodbye.

Trump is the Kanye West of white people.

Just farted and burped at the same time. Why yes, I'm available for kids parties.

Say what you want...but, I actually take it as a compliment when you accuse me of using "too much toilet paper".