Unexpectedly, I got an error message from my color printer. It was totally out of the blue.

I only eat cottage cheese when I’m in a log cabin. And I only eat Log Cabin syrup when I’m in a cottage.

Stacy’s Mom just moved into a retirement home.

I don’t have f-you money. I have please-don’t-fire-me money.

My grandfather is the coolest guy I know. He's cryogenically frozen.

I just got an office with a window. Now it'll be much easier to jump.

What I lack in confidence, I more than make up for with crippling debt.

Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them for having athlete’s foot.

My wife and I both have vision problems. I’m nearsighted. She’s short-sighted.

My pastor’s pronouns are he-then.

If champagne comes from Champagne and cologne comes from Cologne, where does eau de toilette come from?

EVERYONE: The Summer I Turned Pretty ME: The summer I turned petty

My grandfather was a cartographer. That’s why he told everyone he was a roads scholar.

I can command a room. But the room never listens.

If you’re lonely and want strangers to talk to you, wear a red shirt next time you go to Target.

What’s a meta for?

Twitter is the best app if you want to be confused about whether or not a celebrity died.

I’m so cheap, I won’t even pay attention.

Jerome Powell is obligated to have a sword fight with Donald Trump. Because the Fed has a duel mandate.

I finally had the courage to talk to my therapist about my late father. I’m so sad about his constant tardiness.

I befriended a fisherman. We made a reel connection.