Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee) header
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a baby Billy Joel brain

Pittsburgh, PA
Joined March 2009
Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)Photo by Chopped Unc Torture (@MMTastee)
Replying to @srchengn
There’s a deleted tweet that went something like “men only want one thing and it’s to get a good cross breeze going”. This is how I live my life.
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If it’s dark at 5:30 that means walking to the library after work constitutes nightlife. Go print that vehicle registration card, you animal! You absolute shagger!
It cannot be overstated how much your quality of life decreases when it gets dark at 5pm instead of 7pm
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Ok, tell me you weren’t like “why is SpongeBob back there?”
NEW - NASA’s Mars rover, Perseverance, finds that Martian dust is smaller and more dangerous than previously thought, with the ultrafine particles able to stick to spacesuit materials, be carried into living areas, and bypass the human blood-brain barrier.
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Look, I’m old enough to remember the Kill Barney movement, so if you think I’m a little protective of Liberty Biberty you’re just gonna have to deal with it.
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After tomorrow I’m never going to have to see the Terrifying Fake AI Josh Shapiro ad.
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Welcome to Blacksburg/Fancy Gap International Airport
#Hokies head coach James Franklin: “I think when you're in places like Blacksburg, Virginia… it becomes more complicated to travel than maybe some other locations because you don't have an international airport within 45 minutes of campus.”
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How is it that I’m just now finding out about the 878 area code?
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Chopped Unc Torture retweeted
The CDC says you can put the little pepperonis that curl around the edges over your eyelids.
I heard Tomlin is still talking about cutting off eyelids.
Tomlin: "I think just largely our guys cut their eyelids off and just didn't blink."
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This is now a “what time is Marshals airing” account. 8:44 ET btw.
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Getting caught up on the latest Pittsburgh sports media beef
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Neighbors’ granddaughter, who is just beginning to talk, spoke to me for the first time this morning, declaring that she likes candy corn. The kids are all right.
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Guy who has voted in every Allegheny County election since 2002 and was planning to sit this one out until he gets a text from Randall Cunningham.
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The SNL skit with Patrick Stewart selling “sexy cakes” is in the Pantheon of things I wish I hadn’t watched with my parents.
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One thing about me is I love wishing strangers good luck when they’re buying one of the big ass $20 scratchers
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This would make for such a good Couples Costume for my Work Halloween Party.
Look who stopped by the Fort Pitt Museum... 👀💥🩺 We were thrilled to welcome Patrick Ball and Taylor Dearden – you might know them better as Dr. Langdon and Dr. King – from HBO’s “The Pitt” to the Fort yesterday! #ThePitt
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Nobody needs a remake of Bad Lieutenant or Taxi Driver where the protagonist is driving around listening to a video podcast.
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Can’t be a Charlie until he marries a Mossad sleeper agent. And you can’t attract a woman like that unless you KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON.
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Will it ever stop? If this happens just send the nukes already!
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Everyone woke until they see a man who is 5’9” or shorter.
"Braden was sexually educated by porn and, insecure about his penis and having never seen Austin Powers, he got earnestly into penis pumps and began diversifying his natural penis-enlargement techniques from the rudimentary weighted shopping bag." unherd.com/2026/10/the-downf…
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