Marc Heal

X: I've got some work for you. $100 per hour. Me: I'll do it. X: Don't you want to know what it is? Me: Not really.

Worst Terminator ever.

I would mind less paying the insane cost of insurance were it not for the certainty that should anything unfortunate happen they won’t pay out a dime.

Every platform is now stuffed with people talking bollocks. Finance, health, politics… it doesn’t matter. All you need is a camera and the nerve to start blathering hot takes. It’s no wonder the culture is trashed. We’ve given every pub bore in the world their own TV station.

Am I the last person alive who believes that occasionally in the universe, stuff happens that isn’t a sinister plot by people whose politics I disagree with?

In business, Californians get uncomfortable unless there are 6 or 7 minutes of chilled small talk before anyone raises the matter of money, whereas New Yorkers regard anything beyond the word “Hi” as pointless frivolity.

When I told my wife that I hoped that I died before her, which I though was darkly romantic, she said, “Forget it. You’re not going to get out of paying college fees that easy.”

Normally we get a sliced sourdough but last week I thought I’d mix things up so I bought a French stick. When I unpacked the shopping my wife stared at it, then said, “Just who do you think you are?”#Costoflivingcrisis

Surely the teachers can see through that one.

These last few minutes on C-Span have been the best thing on TV since the moon landings.

Me: I trust that when you stay out late you aren’t, oh I don’t know - doing amphetamine with the local punk rock band? Miri: No, Dad. Mainly because the “local punk rock band” will now be on sedatives in an old people’s home. Me: Punk never dies, darling. It never dies.

I hear Boris is holed up in Downing St with a pistol and a bottle of scotch. Police negotiators talking him down.

I need to stop lying to myself. Face it: I am NOT doing image searches of the PM of Finland because of my "concern over instability in eastern Europe".

In the early days of Cubanate a girl came up to me and said I reminded her of William Shatner in that Star Trek episode where there’s an evil Captain Kirk from an alternate universe. The longer time goes by, the more I see that as the pinnacle of my life.

Just me or is Elon Musk channelling Numan’s Cars video in his latest publicity pic?

I’m the opposite of an anti-vaxxer. If someone just waves a hypodermic at me, I say slap it in, no questions asked. Come to think about it, they don’t even have to be a doctor.

Life lessons #79: when a male friend gets thrown out by his girl, under no circumstances offer to put him up "for a few nights". He'll be moping on your sofa for months, scratching his balls, building a toxic pyramid of beer cans and junk food wrappers. Say no. Tough love.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever had the diodes on your Polymoog 203a replaced?

Depressed about democracy. My wife told me she thinks the Trump rioter in the bison outfit is “quite hot, under all that make-up”.

Rigid, almost Victorian formality. I had hoped that by now we would be on first name terms with the kids.