Max Beecher

I've won a trip to Plymouth selling Gin. There is a good chance I'll be press ganged into the Navy.

What did you like, sit on your phone?

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#AshWednesday. The day when people say 'you've got something right there, just on your forehead. Do you want me to get that?'

Could anyone recommend a good costume maker, preferably London based?

I have a new email address as my old address no longer works. Please message me if you would like it. Dick pic with each request

I've lost another email address. How the fuck do you keep hold of them?

If today, you get caught doing something your not supposed to be doing just say your name is John Johnson.

Passed the @BBCWomansHour #Polari test. Thanks to @PolariMission and @jezdolan You taught me well.

After having two teeth puled out I can't tong pop. What am I supposed to do in rebuttal if someone starts throwing shade?

The ink in highlighter pens is made out of the wee of people who have just had a berocca. #howdotheymakethat?

Listen to @BBCWomansHour for #TBOMH right now.

Jeremy Corbyn won. I voted for zombie Clement Attlee,

After a long improvisation in reherceles waring only bandeges I found my cock and balls were out. How many shows that will happen in?

I was expecting #snoopdogg to do a few song from The Peanuts Musical #lovebox @Snoopy

Security at #lovebox took interested in my copy of Middlemarch. They diden't believe it was reading it and not using it to sneak in drugs.

Yay #Lovebox. She'll be at the Cockatoo.