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My New Year's resolution is to leave this awful (but once fun) platform now that it's become what it has. I think we were all holding out hope that @jack would eventually come back like a dad who realised he DOES love his family after all. See you on Threads. Different handle.✌️ – at Ciudad Autónoma de Buenos Aires, Argentina

If your Erectus lasts more than 1 million years, please consult your doctor. – at Manhattan, NY

Mentally, I've already fallen down the stairs 8 times. – at Manhattan, NY

🚨 BREAKING: Jake Paul challenges entire retirement village to fight after beating Mike Tyson (age 58). – at Floris, VA

In love with life, their family, and curious creatures—Steve Irwin and Gomez Addams are the same type of guy, just with different hobbies. – at Manhattan, NY

First day in hell ✨❤️

Making new friends sucks because they're not caught up on my lore. – at Manhattan, NY

The moon is fighting cosmetic surgery allegations again – at Manhattan, NY

Can someone remind me which Olsen twin is the triplet? Was it Mary, Kate, or Ashley? – at Meriden, CT

Hmmm... Best guess is Ibiza, but idk. – at Manhattan, NY

I wake up, I malfunction, I call it a day. – at Manhattan, NY

Are there any restaurants in this area? No. It's a murder zone. – at Manhattan, NY

Maybe Moo Deng can heal the hole Harambe left and the world can be whole again. – at Manhattan, NY

An emo acapella group called Self Harmony. – at Manhattan, NY

Just heard someone call the Cybertruck a "DepLorean" and I'm furious I didn't think of that first.

Why were Mama and Papa Bear sleeping in separate beds? Turns out porridge wasn't the only thing that had gone cold in that house. The moral: nothing brings a family together like a good old home invasion.

"I hope your wife gives birth to a centipede and you have to spend your days slaving away to buy shoes for it" might be the most creative insult I've ever heard. – at Kuala Lumpur City, Kuala Lumpur Federal Territory

Is mercury still in Gatorade? – at Paranaque City, National Capital Region

*Opens Gmail* *Highlights entire inbox* *Reports as spam* – at Kuala Lumpur City, Kuala Lumpur Federal Territory

Influencers who start with "everybody's been asking me..." Who. Who has been asking you? Time to provide receipts. First and last name. Mother's maiden name. Their hobbies. Who are these people who are apparently asking for your hair wash routine? – at Manhattan, NY