No Books Were Harmed

My last ever day as a teacher, on bus duty, a little shit launched himself into the queue. Drag him out by his collar, he tells me he's going to get his dad. I said 'go for it, I'll get my dad and we'll kick fuck out of the pair of you'. Was very liberating.

I run two cafes and get so many parents asking to employ their son/daughter for weekend jobs - those numbers go straight in the bin, they are the worst and laziest employees that can't be bothered looking for a job themselves they rely on mommy/daddy to help.

Few years ago, went to a car dealership to test drive a car and the salesman wouldn't let us test drive one until he had checked all our financials. Went down the road to another brand, liked it and bought the car. Sent the picture of our new car to the salesman.

Aswering police 999 calls for a job a lot was harrowing. But listening to the screams of a woman whose car had been hit, which had caused her dog to be thrown through the windscreen still haunts me. Secure your dogs in your car please.

Whilst organising my mums funeral, I meant to text my cousins advising them we had three spaces in a funeral car to the cemetery, but accidentally typed that we have three spades in the car. There was a long silence before any reply.

Read a tweet that simply said "Call your mum and tell her you love her". Thought I'd give it a go. Dad called me back 10 minutes after I got off the phone and said, "Mum's crying. She thinks you're dying and won't tell her." Thanks twitter.

Colleague announced she was going on maternity leave. I pointed to her belly and jokingly said, "Well I didn't want to say anything". She was adopting the baby.

In the pub with my dad and his mates when I was younger, one shouted "he couldn't score in a brothel" everyone laughed so I joined in. My dad quizzed me as to what a brothel was, I explained in front of everyone "it's where they make soup." Still haunts me to this day.