“Are you free Sunday night” Are you out of your mind.

Dear kids, we didn’t have emojis we had to like things with our face.

I’m still gonna tweet when the robots take over.

Not to brag but I can fit $100 worth of groceries in one bag.

We can’t be friends if you don’t remember Chris Farley.

My phone got down to 9% today and for a brief moment I thought, this is how it ends.

You still on Twitter? Me:

If you survived swing sets in the 80s you can survive anything.

I’m only wearing pants today because society has rules.

Fine. I will rise, but shining is out of the question.

Not to brag but I was alive when our phones never left the house

Welcome to today’s episode of Why Did I Weigh Myself.

I can’t believe I ate so many snacks later tonight.

Welcome to tonight’s episode of So You Think You Can Sleep.

I am a grown man with the sniffles so I guess this is goodbye.

Before I come over, what’s your ice cream situation.

Saturday is the only weekend day. Everybody knows that.

Great, now I have to learn how to fly a car.

People on Facebook know way too much about each other.