There’s no Oscar judges at the wedding chapel

ya what happened to this place

Turning economic issues into social issues

Hello Mr. McAssey, have you thought of trying to be tough and start a family?

Chicago, i’m at Zanies all weekend, i’m not doing a meet and great after but if you want to hang i’ll be popping Benadryl in the ally out back after the show

Morning people are always like “i got so much done in the morning” well when it’s 11pm you’re asleep, and you know what i’m doing, drinking alone

Chicago!!!! tickets here chicago.zanies.com/show/dan-…

I know so much more about people I talk shit about then people I don't. I'll be like, "oh Jeff, nice guy." "Carl, such an idiot, he just visited his mom in Grand Rapids and saw his childhood friend Amber that went to Arlington Elementary with him and he made an ass of himself"

it’s so weird people never connect the dots that if you talk bad about the person you’re dating it reflects poorly on you. “i’m dating a total looser” well, sounds like you’re perfect for each other

hey thanks!

It’s weird, i’m austin all the tech guys wear cowboy hats, but when you shoot at them they seem to have no idea what to do. what’s wrong cowpokes? shaky with your iron?

no it did happen but not the girlfriend i have now, a girlfriend a few years ago

my girlfriend cheated on me with a pilot and i guess i have a bad imagination, because the worst i could imagine was “taller guy” not “man with unlimited access to the sky”

!!!❤️❤️❤️

Dark side of therapy