Moose 🫎

A cat café in Tokyo has hired me as a "cat mood interpreter" and I don't actually have any qualifications but I'm somehow very good at it. Manager: We need someone to tell customers what the cats are feeling. Me: I'm not a cat expert. Manager: Do you understand cats? Me: I mean... sometimes? Manager: You're hired. First day: Customer: Why won't this cat come to me? Me: looks at cat Cat: sitting with back turned Me: You're being too eager. The cat finds it overwhelming. Customer: How do you know? Me: Look at the tail. It's twitching. That's overstimulation. Customer: What should I do? Me: Ignore the cat completely. Customer: That seems counterproductive. Me: Trust me. Customer ignored the cat. Cat immediately became interested. Walked over. Sat on customer's lap. Customer: You're magic. Me: I'm just paying attention. Second day: Manager: Customer wants to know which cat likes them best. Me: observes the room Three cats are nearby. Cat 1: Looking away. Cat 2: Grooming itself. Cat 3: Slow blink at customer. Me: Cat 3. The tabby. Customer: How do you know? Me: Slow blink is a cat kiss. Cat 3 is in love with you. Customer: crying Manager: You made a customer cry. Me: Happy tears! Customer: I've never been loved by a cat before! Third day: New customer: Why is that cat screaming at me? Cat: loud meowing Me: That's not screaming. That's talking. Customer: About what? Me: listens to the meow pattern Me: You have treats. The cat would like some. Customer: I didn't bring treats! Me: Check your pocket. Customer: checks, finds treats from earlier visit Customer: How did you know? Me: The cat's pitch. It's specifically the "you have food" pitch. Customer: Cats have different pitches? Me: Seven that I've identified. Manager: taking notes Fourth day: Customer: This cat keeps bringing me toys. Cat: drops mouse toy at customer's feet Me: The cat wants to play. Customer: I threw it three times. The cat won't stop. Me: Did you throw it enthusiastically? Customer: I guess? Me: You have to throw it reluctantly. Cats prefer to convince you to play. Customer: That makes no sense. Me: Cats make no sense. But it works. Customer threw it half-heartedly. Cat: delighted Played for five minutes, then stopped on its own. Customer: WHAT. Me: Psychology. Fifth day: Manager: We're getting reviews mentioning you specifically. Me: Really? Manager: "Cat interpreter is a genius." "Finally someone explained my cat's behavior." "I understand cats now." Me: I'm just... observing? Manager: You're translating. It's a gift. Sixth day: A cat sat on my lap. Wouldn't move. Customer: What's the cat saying? Me: That I need a break. Manager: Take fifteen minutes. Me: The cat is managing me now? Manager: The cat knows burnout when it sees it. I took a break. The cat purred the entire time. Seventh day: Customer: Why does this cat keep knocking things off the table? Cat: pushes cup toward edge Me: The cat is testing physics. Customer: What? Me: Seriously. Cats test gravity. It's enrichment. Customer: Should I stop it? Me: Only if you want to deprive the cat of scientific discovery. Customer: ...I'll let it continue. Manager: You're justifying chaos now. Me: I'm explaining motivation! Eighth day: A stressed customer came in. Me: The gray cat. Third shelf. That's your cat today. Customer: How do you know? Me: That cat specializes in anxiety relief. Very calming energy. Customer sat with the gray cat. Thirty minutes later: visibly relaxed. Customer: I feel so much better. Me: The cat knew. Manager: How do you do this? Me: Cats have specialties. You just have to match them with the right human. Ninth day: Manager: We want you full-time. Me: As a cat interpreter? Manager: As Cat Experience Manager. Me: That's a title? Manager: It is now. I accepted. Tenth day: Training a new employee. Employee: How do I know what the cats want?......🧵