I just want to bounce back man, I really miss my spark.

Ziploc and the cereal industry need to get it together. Cereal bags need proper resealable packaging. The solution is right there. Society is ready. Make it happen.

Maybe it’s the millennial in me talking, but booking a flight is a big-screen activity, not a little-screen one.

If you’re not happy as a single person, you won’t be happy in a relationship either. The real secret to happiness is maximising shareholder value and building data dashboards that give executives deeper insights into critical business functions.

Whenever I write an email, I use an exclamation point so people know I’m friendly and excited! Then I throw in a period to remind them I’m a normal, sane person. Sometimes I even add another sentence with a period just to be safe. Thanks so much!

Me: finally sleeps 9 hours My Body: congratulations, but you did it wrong. Enjoy this dislocated shoulder and stiff neck, buddy.

I’m not going to lie, the way I’ve handled money so far this year is embarrassing. I need to do better in 2027.

Have you stopped buying certain groceries you used to get all the time just because the prices have gotten so ridiculous? Like, you pick one up, see the price tag, and immediately think, “WTF! I’m not paying that.”

I genuinely admire people who can wake up, eat breakfast, shower, and be ready for work in 25 minutes. I need 25 minutes just to remember where I am, who I am, and what day it is.

Single-player games should never require an internet connection. I paid for the game. I’m playing alone. There’s nobody to compete with. Why the fuck do I need your servers to play something I already own?

I’m suspicious of homes with no pets. Like where is your creature?? Who’s roaming the premises?? Who’s in charge of security??

I have a theory that adults miss college so much because it was the last time they lived in walkable communities, saw their friends every day, could get almost anywhere without needing a car, and were surrounded by neighborhoods designed to foster connection.

Smoking cigarettes has to be the dumbest fucking vice imaginable. It doesn’t get you high or make you feel particularly good. It just leaves your mouth smelling like an ashtray and slowly poisons your body until you get cancer.

We already have flying cars. They’re called HELICOPTERS. They’re incredibly difficult to fly and require serious skill to operate safely. The idea that we could mass-produce them and sell them to the general public could only come from someone severely lacking intelligence.

Is this the new Myspace app everyone was talking about a few months ago?

The fake urgency in corporate is one of the worst things humans have invented. We’re not doctors, firefighters, or bomb disposal experts. We work in spreadsheets and attend meetings. Nobody needs a response within the hour.

My theory about corporate AI psychosis is that AI is most appealing to people who aren’t good at their jobs. AI slop looks incredible to them because they’re so incompetent they don’t even know what good work looks like in the first place.

You’re standing on a planet with molten lava at its core. Trees are turning sunlight into air you can breathe. Your heart is beating without you asking it to. There’s a moon in the sky and bugs that glow. This whole thing is absurdly beautiful.

Flight attendants be walking through the airport like they’re NBA players pulling up to the arena.

Dear Netflix and other streaming platforms, why the hell is “continue watching” buried on the 4th or 5th row? Put it FIRST. i was watching the show 30 minutes ago, not 30 business days ago. Why am I searching for it like it’s lost media?

Dear car companies, I do not want my car doors automatically unlocking every time I put my car in park. It’s not convenient; it’s dangerous. Maybe unlock them when I turn the car off. NOT when I put it in park. Thank you.