Oh great, a cover artist has done a slightly worse version of a song everybody's already sick of.

What's that app called where you're not funny so you make the voice squeaky and trick people into thinking you are?

"Hello people of 2019 I'm fat is anyone in here a personal trainer?" Everyone on earth raises their hand.

"Hey look 16,000 people liked the funny picture I shared that somebody else made." *changes occupation to Public Figure*

I'm sorry I can't quite find the emojis to say this but… he's dead.

Secretly doing yoga in the toilets at work.

Got a new job testing which type of shoes wear down the quickest. It's sole destroying.

Sliding full biscuits into my mouth like DVDs.

I hate people with a passion. People without a passion, they're not too bad.

I get far too suspicious of the man doing sign language at the bottom corner. Still going when nobody's talking. He's lying about something.

Wow. Three people in the same building asking about my pocket globe. It's a small world.

I love food and music. So put another lime in the jukebox baby.

When you're eating spaghetti and it hangs down your chin just for a moment. No better feeling.

Sitting here doing nothing. Like a boss.

So you think you could store all that food in your body?! Go ahead try it. But you can't. YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll stink for a lifetime.

Never eat on an empty stomach.

My new belt has a clock on it. I know what you're thinking... "Waist of time."

Just watched the Top Gear episode where the famous person drives that car and they spoke about it afterwards.

My facial expression when I see an Elvis impersonator is exactly the same expression as when I'm asleep.