Peter Aliass

CRACK, SWOOSH, PWANG, RFFT. A golden leaf touches down. Deftly on its tippy toes. Silence. RUMBLE, WHISTLE, SPLISH, SWOOL. Earl Grey at the double. A ginger nut soggens. Tranquility. Tranquility. Tranquility.. Have a blissful evening friends, I know I will! #TheMasters

I’m fascinated by Dylan Fruitella’s eyewear Ken. Not sure why he feels the need to don safety glasses, perhaps he’s upset the patrons. Shocking stuff #TheMasters

What a marvellous championship it’s shaping up to be. 62 year old Larry Mize going blow for blow with Bryson DeShambles. 70-a-piece. Only in golf Kenneth, only in golf... #TheMasters 🌺

Oh blessed be, the day is finally here dear friends... Lock the doors, Set your teleprompters to ‘occupied’, and let’s take a trip down Magnolia Lane #TheMasters

I’m ready to march on parliament square Kenneth, fetch the pitchforks. I haven’t been this cross since Mrs Alliss shrunk my most beloved Pringle sweater.. #neverforget petition.parliament.uk/petit…

Dastardly and Muttley at it again #stopthatpigeon

Good morning friends, I hope you’re all keeping well and remaining positive. The Masters in November is going to be something special let me tell you 🍁🍂 so don’t be down. Kenneth and I very much look forward to seeing you all then.

Greatness Ken, greatness. Truthfully, I never thought we’d see the day.. I’m not crying, you’re crying! #Tiger #GOAT

I say, Bruce Cupcake’s arms seemed to have drained all the blood from his personality. Cheer up young man!

My my, I don’t think any other man alive his tittilated me quite the way Tiger has. Confusing feelings Ken, strong but confusing.. 🐐

Fabulous drama! If you have a favourite cheese accompaniment, please do telegram in and let us know... Over. #theMasters

Big year for Ken.. He’s returned from the mini mart with a rump of lamb, feather duster and Ainsley Harriott mask in hand #KenOnTheWhaaa?

Ah, it’s finally here dear friends.. Tucking in to my traditional Masters breakfast of a steaming bowl of Azaleas. Soooothes the larynx.. 🌸

Kenneth caught at Heathrow security with a rather large Johnson in his carry on.. I wonder how that got there 🤷🏼‍♂️ #naughtyKen

Big night out in the village with Kenneth this evening. #Yates #TheBoysAreBack @KenOnTheSauce

This week’s crowds can’t hold a candle to the mob that followed me at the ‘69 Ryder Cup at Birkdale. #BiggestInaugerationEver