Pounding Quarters

Maybe I was wrong last night, still knowing that I would only make the lives of others sad in death is good enough reason not to for now. Knowing that my life doesnt contribute to art the way I think it or others in the capacity that I want feels ruinous on my psyche.

I guess I wish I could just be happy with what I have, or maybe less. That I could just be a machine with the thought stillness, only content in helping others. No desire to talk about my interests, what I love to read, watch, play, or experience, I would be less of a problem.

Its been immensely difficult to get up and do little more than the bare minimum. I feel selfish for wanting it but I do wish I had some kind some kind of external validation for my personality and interest beyond the people who have always supported me. Its terrible.

I've somewhat recently managed to improve my emotional headspace and stop cpnstantly having thoughts of self harm which has felt positive, but every day I still wake up hating who I am and feeling loathing for how I enjoy things. It's still really hard to want to do anything.

I really wish I could feel comfortable to talk to someone close to me about my inner turmoil but just the thought of making someone worried or upset for my sake gives me overwhelming anxiety, not to mention any worse scenarios. I feel like I'm drowning in myself.

I dont know why I even bothered going to the gym today, Im still a useless fatass and even if I can overcome 28 years of wasted life I'm still always going to hate what's my face no matter what, Im just glad noone noticed me trying not to have some sort of breakdown between sets.

Every morning I wake up and think about how much I hate everything about me, my tastes, my looks, my thoughts, my attitude, all of it. I diet and go to gym and work thinking how useless the effort is and that it doesnt add anything good to me. I dont add anything in life.

I wish I could keep bashing my head in as hard as I could without showing any marks.

I wish I could kill myself without hurting the people around me, people who've delided themselves into thinking I have some kind of worth in anything tangible or valuable. All I do is waste space.

I wish anything that I enjoyed could be valuable or interesting to anyone, but its all useless shit. The only thing that I ever contribute to is my job amd even that is middling at best, if I could curl up and die at least then people wouldnt be bothered anymore.

I wish I could bash my head in freely, without others taking notice and becoming upset in some way. At least then I could try to stop my mind wandering without a worry or a word.

Why cant I just keep my mouth shut and stop engaging with what I like? I mprove nothing nor add anything meaningful, the only thing I can reasonably affect to things is make them worse by association.