Sarah Welsh

There are very few things in life that can make you feel stupider than accidentally spraying yourself in the face with an air freshener.

I think track would be much more interesting to watch if paintball snipers were involved.

There is just no practical way to explain to your dog that the doorbell he heard was on the television.

I yell at House Hunters like it's a football game.

Seriously Moses. Mosquitoes?

Cooking without having gone grocery shopping in a month is like an episode of Chopped.

Sometimes I tuck my head into my chest, hands on the floor and kick my body forward because that's how I roll

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 50 minute clarinet solo.

The amazing smell of a fresh cinnamon bun can hypnotize me to do unspeakable things.

That moment you realize what little of a life you have when the League of Legends server is down.

You do realize that your runner's euphoria is your body telling you how happy it is that you didn't die.

I am glad these Pizza Rolls are gluten free because the main thing I think about when I have Pizza Rolls is my health

Back from fun beach trip, lounging in my star trek bath robe eating a burrito. Love. Summer.

I like cats, but not enough to eat a whole one.

Karma is taking too long so it looks like I'm gonna have to handle this one myself.

There should be a car decal of just one stick figure and a caption that reads: "Doing my part for population control."

I'm still not very good at algebra. I just can't figure out y.

YOLO is like 'Carpe Diem' for the uneducated.

Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your girlfriend's job.

Tell some one you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.