Red 🏮

Happier times, my mum's birthday. This is my breakfast café, hence the hair. I don't do well with hair brushing in the morning. Nottingham City Centre where ALL the authorities are surveilling me and my family. One month ago!

Horses are intelligent!

Frequency for heart. Oh, and carry veg up flights of stairs, or just carry loads. Builds stamina and strength. Gland swelling in neck has gone down. I've locked up everything. Now, about to get some shuteye.

Saw the amount of grey hair. I'm what the young ones would call 'cooked' but microwave cooked. Double visioned, weakened heart, and poor memory recount. Oh, and virtually under house arrest! Being under surveillance is no joke! 40hz for focus Pineal gland for sleep Gum health

I telegraph my intentions everytime! So, the generic letter stressed eye health. The amount of energy weaponry used on me I should be concussed by now. Me forgetting tomorrow is Sunday was no accident...they want you fogged up and confused! I was brushing my hair today and

Yh, read the fucking generic letter. Why now when I was supposed to get tested in January? Well, I've been blabbering about a possible brain tumour, dizziness and nosebleeds etc. tonight, before I set out shopping, said something about making gravy, about brussel sprouts...

I'm going to check the date of the letter. If my house mates are messing with my post, or maybe it's Royal Mail being very very late!

Free and then didn't give me my free pair, well, they can forget me as a customer! I was supposed to get tested in February but I'm minus 8 diatrope, no glasses will make me look normal, so I'm not wearing any, unless they're my frameless ones, and I do look brainy!

It's always the ear canals isn't it? When it's not the birth canal. They just want to fuck with your ears (throat and eyes too). Had a letter from the optician today. I was supposed to have my eyes checked but after they offered buy one get one

Bad sky out there. Completely fogged up. Now, I'm given the cold. Under my duvet and I'm shivering like anything. Swelling hasn't totally gone down. Swallowing still hard. Only 21:32. I think I'm going to lock up and have an early night. These fiends! If you upend their plans 4u!

I've got these lumps under my ears, and my throat has seized up! I've never been allergic to bread nor wine. It's a classic meal which I'm eating with Cumberland sausages. My glands shouldn't be swelling! Am I being punished again? Haven't even touched the dairy/yoghurt/kefir!

My glandular glands are swollen right now. I'm under attack all right. Can't swallow! Can't hear, can't do anything and the itching. Last night the buzzing in my ear, tonight, my ear drums are stretched! I look like a gerbil with stored food in its cheek for winter.

Hope I didn't write survival guilt, it's survivor guilt, like saviour guilt, you need to justify your life somehow. I read my email to son today and thought, what the hell, lost a day! Said I would go into bank tmrw to send him some money. Tomorrow is Sunday! Today was difficult!

My monastic training tells me to face the radicalism of reality, but I'm too weak to withstand our present horrors. When I escape into good story telling, I am triggered mercilessly. People think everyday life is easy. It isn't. You can't pretend everything is okay.

I don't know why, but I think it's such an everyman thing, becoming a wanderer or exiled. I was in full blown PTSD mode. Couldn't leave the house for some shopping. Sad, sad, sad, couldn't watch it beyond episode one. Will try again tmrw, being Sunday. The peach orchard 🥹 oath!

Tried so hard to watch this today on YouTube but the ads drove me insane. Got so down and then the panic started and didn't want to leave the house. I think I know the story, but everytime! Finished episode 1 and I'm in tears, having flashbacks!

I have survival guilt that is so debilitating. Even now, I talk myself into eating and cooking and being normal. You never recover from trauma. Primo Levi threw himself down some stairs at 60 after surviving Auschwitz. I'm approaching that age. Tonight and every night, a struggle

I think I will eat the bread with some yoghurt and drink all the wine. Then sleep. Tomorrow, I will attempt, one fish pie and one banger and mash. And then get very rotund. You can't go wrong with a home cooked meal. I'm sorry to those who are not in a position to do this.

Now, I'm going to make a hanging basket for my onions. I saw a video on Twitter, where, with a few twigs and a piece of string...hey presto. Or I can just put them on the wooden living floor and let them roll about. Too exhausted to make sausages, mash and gravy.

I am someone who refuses to have wheels on my luggage bag okay? Carrying a few food item shouldn't kill me, right? The truth is, I keep forgetting I'm no longer fit. Again, the young people in town were kind to me. I like strolling around. Nottingham is tiny, but it's okay!

Vegetables are heavy to carry! Cabbage kills cancer cells. Onions? Onions are for onion soup! Potatoes? They are for chips. I damaged my headphones! Need to get myself some new ones! I was shouting at the shop assistants, forgetting I had headphones on and couldn't hear a thing!