Who can give me at least 10 minutes with the grip and the warmth

Got my period for the first time omg my virginity

My new guy is a science teacher so I asked him if squirts are pee

I have a big forehead, you have a small dick, who is really winning here?

Haters that always say I have a big forehead always crack me up. Do you think I don't have a mirror or something?

To be fair, 3 min guy has a huge, huge dick at 5' 4" he's almost 8. He was just tired.

My friends are weirdos and the more "likes" I do the more upset I am.

I love all of you btw you have made me laugh my ass off today and I've been having a really hard time with family, loved ones and dumbasses I'm trying to date. Your funny comments help a lot.

Taking @Nobunny333 advice to post a pretty picture and be quiet.

I tried suggesting to my friends that I might like to put a tiny fraction of my earnings on a game and wow, just wow, you would have thought I was suggesting going to DTLA to score some fent. You win friends, I will never gamble any time in my life, ever.

Dad says Vegas is cooking for this Falcons/49ers game and that was the plan.

Dad: "This is a dangerous team and the 49ers underestimated them, you didn't just get that from all the Nazi memes. Also, never gamble." Me: "JUST THINK OF ALL THE MONEY WE COULD HAVE MADE TODAY BETTING AGAINST AN UNDEFEATED TEAM!" Him: "No gambling."

Here's why I won't visit your city: Getting on a plane: Awful Your city: No ocean views Me: A fucking handful in person, potty mouth alone

I'll answer 500 DM's at once, yes its that good, no, I will not fly to your city.

Not sure if everyone is funnier than usual today or if I'm happy because I finally got laid after 2 months of failed attempts to get literally anyone to sleep with me, like the ugliest girl at prom.

MY DM's lmao

How it feels to watch football on Sunday when my team already won the week on Thursday:

Why do I give everyone nicknames? Because I respect them enough not to use their real names on the internet, even if they are shitheads to me.

It's my fault, I'm too sexy. youtube.com/watch?v=P5mtclwl…

I just wasn't expecting that guy to make my exes look like studs, lol. I've gotten lucky with guys and their performance up until now I guess.