Christopher Brian Roach

Me and @KevinJames at a @billyjoel concert with my pal @MikeDelguidice1 (behind me on the left) on guitar. #blessed @TheGarden #NYC

Live taping of my comedy special!

When Animals Attack! #TikTok tiktok.com/t/ZTNwk2S9s/

I wish I had this problem.

I will have a lazy river in my backyard. I will have a lazy river in my backyard.

If you love art and comedy….thank the childhood trauma that helped create it.

Just trying to watch my shows.

I’m tweeting again. I think.

These are the children of the people whose parents put them in “time-out” as a kid.

Remembering some old friends

People who call you immediately after you like one of their tweets are an extra special kind of douche.

Wisconsin tonight!

“Double-Stuffed Oreos” should just be called “Oreos.” Get rid of the other ones. @Oreo

My friend was talking with his girlfriend on his cellphone and they had a bad connection. He said “I can’t hear you, we’re breaking up” and she said “fine, I’ve been sleeping with your friends anyway. “

Every standup comedian is thinking about taking a self defense course right now. #Oscars2022 #OscarsFanFavorite #WillSmith #ChrisRock

Lady at supermarket: Gee, you’re very tall. Do you play basketball? Me: No, do you play miniature golf? “Mic Drop in aisle 3, bitch!”

I always get anxious when taking medicine. Especially when the store alarm goes off. #sillyass

How come people who live “off the grid” are always showing up on social media to show us how they are living “off the grid?”

I wanna dance like vaccinated people are watching!

I want a Hallmark Channel life without all the epiphanies followed by running after people.

I was sick for a few days and my dog, sensing I was weak, tried humping me for dominance.